Tag Archives: techyness

Who Doesn’t Love Pizza?

Omg, I’m composing a blog post on my laptop like a normal person! Next thing you know I’ll be washing my clothes in the river and churning butter or something. It must be all this old-fashioned music… no actually I’m downloading the latest phone update and it’s taking forever. So annoying.

Anyway, I googled up love songs from the 1950s and lyricists were back to being all serious again, cuz luuuuuv is indeed serious business, but then I found one of my all-time faves, written for Dean Martin in 1953 by Jack Brooks and Henry Warren. The story behind it is almost as funny as the song itself.

Without further ado, I present… “That’s Amore!” In case you’re confused about amore, or any of the song lyrics, this vid provides very detailed illustrations. It’s hilarious!

V4L Challenge 5

A Day in the Life of Cupid

When we last left our intrepid hero, he’d been comforting his girlfriend at the hospital on Valentine’s night after buying her drugstore candy with nuts in it to which she was allergic. But now it’s back to work for Cupid. He’s Project Manager at Love, Inc. and his days are hectic. Today is no exception.

Cupid arrived at his office early at 8am, hoping to get a bunch of work done before the crew came in. He’d bought an egg and cheese muffin and a large coffee to fuel himself up for the tasks ahead.

First, he remembered to text his girlfriend and ask her how she was feeling after the candy ordeal last night. She didn’t respond right away, but that was probably because she was busy at work too. They’d only had two dates so far, plus the funny hospital mishap, but Cupid had a good feeling about their potential. Chantal was a really sweet, understanding person.

Just as Cupid started to plow through his pile of unread emails, the head arrower stopped by his desk.

“Sorry to bother you, boss,” the HA said. “But I thought you should know that the new batch of arrows are at least twenty percent defective. The rest of the crew is experiencing the same.”

“Darn it!” Cupid said. “I recommended we stay with Universal Arrow, but was overruled because they wanted to cut costs.”

The HA nodded. “These are definitely inferior.”

“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll make a report.” Great, thought Cupid. Another task for the to-do list. But this one was high priority.

Cupid shot off a report about the defective arrows to his Operations Director and then returned to his other tasks. But he was soon interrupted again.

“Excuse me,” one of the new arrowers said. “But I ran into a problem on Valentine’s Day. My target was hit again an hour later because she hadn’t disappeared from the list. The same thing happened three more times with different targets as I discovered just now when I compared notes with a coworker.”

Cupid’s naturally calm and cheerful demeanor faded into anger. He realized immediately this was due to yet another boneheaded cost-cutting measure some of the Directors had insisted upon. His Director was a good guy, but had voted in favor of the measures regardless in hopes of getting concessions from the other Directors in return. “Politics,” he had said to Cupid at the time.

Now Cupid said to the arrower, “I’m sorry that happened. It’s the new software. We’ll alert them to the problem and hopefully it can be a simple fix.”

“Thanks,” she said. “I’ll tell the others. It’s really sad when we set up a promising situation and it all falls apart because of some technical glitch.”

Cupid agreed with her. He called Hearts Aflame, the new software company, and put in a help ticket with Quality Control. They promised to give his issue their fullest attention just as soon as his number came up in the queue. It was 37.

Next, he attended a luncheon seminar slash sexual harassment program that all Project Managers were required to attend quarterly. It lasted two hours and they received free chicken pesto sandwiches, sodas, and handbooks on how not to be jerks, and then they watched a movie on how to deal with any jerks on their crews. Now it was 3pm and Cupid still had at least a full day’s work left.

At 7 he decided enough was enough and went to the gym. He felt like skipping it, going home, and flopping on the sofa, but thinking about his hot new girlfriend motivated him to go. He did a quick workout, showered, and headed back to his pad. It was after 9 and he was wiped out. As he nuked a frozen burrito, his phone dinged with a new text. Chantal!

Hi, sorry to do this over text, but I’ve met someone else. Thought you should know. It just happened all of a sudden like a bolt out of the sky. Take care. C

💔💔💔💔💔

Journal: Week 3

16. My personal gifts are intelligence, creativity, and reliability.

17. A quote that inspires me is: “perfection is the enemy of the good.” I tell myself some form of this at least once a day so I can get things done. Otherwise… gahhh!

18. A mistake that helped me grow was when I wrecked my laptop and had to learn to do without for a while.

19. I feel most rested on Sunday mornings usually.

20. Words I want to share? I think it would be great if everyone took a step back from their political positions and tried to see other points of view. There’s just waaay too much hatred and mockery around. Look how it isn’t helping anything and things are only getting worse. You don’t have to wait for them to be better people first ~ you can be better!

21. Music that makes me feel adventurous? Classic rock!

22. Three words that describe my style are: frumpy, boring, grandma. 😂

A Very Norty Christmas [an impish tale 1247]

Santa banished the Norty Imps to the dusty old storeroom. “You troublemakers stay out of my way until after Christmas,” Santa said. “I’ve got work to do and can’t be bothered with your shenanigans today of all days!”

The imps were sad for a mo, thinking they were going to be bored out of their silly heads for the next 24 hours, until one of them began opening the boxes in the back.

“Looky!” he cried. “Norty fings!”

He held up a black lacy bra and thong set. The other imps scampered to the boxes to find more norties. “A dildo!” “A norty book!” “A purple vibrator!”

“No one wants them anymore,” one imp said. “Everyone asks for iPhones. What can we do with these?”

“Send them to a church full of nuns!” another imp suggested.

The Norty Imps cheered and jumped for joy at the idea of a fun new tricksy plan.

One of the imps pulled out his iPad. “I’ll make a list with directions for the ‘deers.”

“Which ‘deers?” another said. “They’ll know the list ain’t all official like.”

“I know just the ones,” iPad Imp said. “Quick, help me break out of here. Who has the key codes?”

*

Ipad Imp approached the group of reindeer at the North Pole Starbucks who were all texting on their phones. “Hey, guys. Job for you.”

Sierra looked up. “Huh? I thought Santa gave out all the assignments yesterday.”

“This is a special late job,” Ipad Imp said. “He thought you might be suited for it, being so technically adept and all.”

“Oh yah,” Bruno said. “I’m totes into tech.”

“There you go then.” Ipad Imp grinned at the group. “I’ll just share my GPS file with you and Bob’s yer uncle.”

Giselle frowned at him. “Who’s Bob?”

The imp rolled his eyes. “Never mind that. Finish your drinks, go potty, and I’ll take you to the sleigh. We gots it all loaded up nice and full, ready to go.”

*

Roxy poked Clove with her hoof. “Dude, I think we should have arrived by now.”

They’d been flying for hours through the dark velvet skies. It was snowing now and Roxy was bored. Her movie had failed to load on her FlyPad. Annoying!

Clove removed his earbuds. “What? Are we lost?”

“I’m not sure,” Roxy said, “but this is taking forever. Ask Sierra if she downloaded the GPS update.”

Clove pulled Sierra’s tail and asked her. “No,” she said. “I forgot to check for updates before we left because of all the drama with my ex. But Bruno has the list.”

Bruno turned around. “Did someone say my name?”

“Are we lost?!” Roxy yelled.

“I took the scenic route!” he laughed.

Giselle began to cry. “I have a breakfast date with Noel.”

“Wait,” Sierra said. “Since when are you going out with Noel?”

“You guys broke up like a week ago,” Giselle sniffled. “So, why do you care?”

“Um, hello. We were only taking a break a week ago,” Sierra said. “That’s not being broken up.”

Roxy butted in, “Maybe we shouldn’t do this here?”

“Do what?” Giselle said. “Like why do I have to apologize for anything?”

“I don’t think she asked you to apologize,” Clove said. “But we’re really trying to find this church full of nuns.”

“Hey,” Noel called from the back. “I see a church.”

Bruno shook his head. “My GPS from the imp doesn’t list a church there. It’s supposed to be around the block.”

They flew around the block, but there was no church.

“Are we in the right town?” Sierra asked.

“Do I look like an idiot?” Bruno said. “Silver Springs, em eye.”

“Michigan, okay.” Roxy shrugged. “Let’s go.”

*

The hackers worked diligently in the abandoned church, hoping to have their entire evil scheme completed at 3am on Christmas morning. The world would slowly wake up to the fact that they were in charge and begin to understand the futility of resistance. Soon the ransom money would flow into their offshore accounts or else worldwide energy grids would become dysfunctional.

“Utterly brilliant,” Hank said. “Pure mad genius.”

Hugh nodded. “Almost there. Hester?”

“Capturing Japan right now. Another few minutes.” Hester looked up and smiled.

“The best thing is that we stay undetected until we decide to show our strength,” Hank said. “It really–what’s that noise?”

Hester went to the window. “I don’t see anything, but I hear clomping on the roof.”

“You guys,” Hugh whispered, “look.”

Around the old stone fireplace the air began to shimmer and fill with sparkling snow. Through the fog, six reindeer materialized holding gift bags in their mouths and with more gifts piled on their backs. They gently deposited these around the fireplace as the hackers watched in stunned silence.

“Where’s your tree?” one reindeer asked.

Another one said, “You don’t look like proper nuns. Roxy, aren’t they supposed to be all girls?”

“That one’s a girl.” “What about those two?” “Where are all the churchy things?” “Are you sure this is right?” “Lemme see that list?” “This says em oh not em eye.” “What?” “Missouri!”

“SHUT UP!” Hank yelled, pulling out a gun.

One of the reindeer began to cry. “Noel, help!” “What am I supposed to do?” “Okay, I’m downloading the updates.”

“Maybe we should just shoot them,” Hester said.

Hugh shook his head. “They may be on the endangered list. We don’t want to call attention to ourselves. Let them just poof out of here the way they came.”

*

Retired Lieutenant Stan the Dogwalking Man was very grumpy about the fact that Lucky McMuttface insisted on going out to do his biz in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve. Stan suspected it was due to all the scrummy treats people had been surreptitiously sneaking to Lucky when Stan wasn’t looking. As they walked past the abandoned church on Third Street, Stan heard yelling and crying inside, which wasn’t right. He immediately texted his old buddies down at the station house and a minute later the street was filled with police cruisers.

*

Back at the North Pole, on the day after Christmas, Santa congratulated everyone on another successful holiday. “And I want to give a particular shoutout to my newest team, headed by Bruno, who cleverly managed to foil a group of criminals. The Silver Springs police department is giving all six of you honorary badges.”

“Ooh badges!” Giselle exclaimed. “Noel, could you fasten mine please?”

Sierra rolled her eyes.

As Santa’s elves and reindeer headed off to the post-Christmas party, he said, “Hold on a minute, you lot.”

Ipad Imp batted his eyelashes. “Do you mean us?”

“Don’t you give me that phony innocent look,” Santa said. “I know you Norty Imps had something to do with that mess in Missouri. What happened to the stuff in the storeroom?”

The imps began fidgeting and giggling, earning them a glare from Santa. “Knew it! Spill the beans, Norties!”

The imps began making farty noises, as they always did when commanded to spill the beans. This sent them further into paroxysms of laughter. Santa growled and stomped his foot.

“I’m warning you!”

Ipad Imp held up his hands in mock surrender. He controlled his giggles and said, “We donated the norty gifts to the police officers gag gifts fundraiser. That nice retired cop thought it was hilarious!”

“One day you imps will go too far.” Santa shook his head. “But today… let’s party! Eggnog and cookies await us. Merry Christmas!”

Technically speaking… [FPQ #6]

This week’s provocative question came up when I read an article that talked about how the extent that Russia used social media to influence the 2016 presidential election in the United States and the Brexit vote in Great Britain was more extensive than what was originally thought and that such disinformation and misinformation on social media sites continues almost unabated to this day.

With that in mind, here’s this week’s provocative question.

“Is technological advancement a net positive or a net negative?”

If you choose to participate, write a post with your response to the question. Once you are done, tag your post with #FPQ and create a pingback to this post if you are on WordPress. Or you can simply include a link to your post in the comments.

And most important, have fun.

I am wavering on this week’s question, which is what makes it so provocative, I suppose.

On the one hand, technology has done amazingly wonderful things for the world. We’re able to grow more food, educate more people, cure more diseases, prevent more deaths in childbirth, respond faster in emergencies, etc. And we continue to advance exponentially in so many areas of science and medicine and engineering.

On the other hand, we’re as shitty toward our fellow humans, animals, and the planet we all live on as we’ve ever been. And now we can use technology to facilitate our terribleness. Instead of simply mocking some poor soul in a school hallway, we use social media to torment him 24/7 until he commits suicide. Sick people upload vids of themselves torturing animals for the amusement of other sickos around the world. And we all have so many gadgets and chargers and crap filling our lives, and we must have the latest versions, tossing the previous ones into the ever-expanding trash heap covering our earth and oceans.

Blech! 🤮

I haven’t even touched the part about our elections and the Rooskies and the hot new cold war and how our life spans are declining from sitting on our asses texting all day and how Spectrum has the goddamn nerve to increase my price yet again after my price increase last year when they switched me to “high speed” for people who game on multiple TV’s when I’m just a single person who doesn’t game on any device and singles are always being financially penalized for multi-person households who hog all the resources and pollute up the planet but at least Edison sends me a report card every month saying good job which is worth fuck all but hey.

What was this poast about again? Oh. It’s from Fandango. We hate Trump! Hells to the yeah! What do I win? 😂

Monday Meandering

It was bothering me that my full-size bitmojis appeared on my iPhone reader as humongous pictures dropping off the sides of the screen. Other bloggers’ pics do the same, btw ~ not photographs, which seem to know how to behave themselves, but graphics grabbed from the web, which do not. Anyway, I’ve been resizing mine to medium in the app but haven’t noticed a satisfactory difference, so that’s why I went down to thumbnail on this one. It just bugs me when pics are off. Now the thumbnail will look weird when I view my blog on the web… sigh. 😜

*

I finally figured out why my YouTube vids weren’t previewing properly ~ when I take the link from the YouTube app, it’s a shortlink. I then have to paste it in a browser to get a real link that creates a preview. What a royal pain in the ass. Is there any more annoying problem in the world today, I ask you? Oh, for the halcyon daze of olde when we didn’t have the convenience of apps to bitch about and had to trudge 5 miles in the cybersnow every time we wanted to copypasta any damn thing. 🙄

*

I was just about to stop at Target after work on Friday night to buy a space heater when I remembered I had one. And it wasn’t hidden away in a closet ~ it’s right next to the TV cabinet. This is what happens when the unused spaces in your brain get old and frozen. 🥶

*

My MO in Blogland is not to keep score cuz that’s just annoying and frustrating. I follow around 700 blogs and only 500 or so follow me. But who is MO anyway and why am I letting him set precedent? This I began to wonder today as I unfollowed a few bloggers in my feed who never like any of my poasts. Pffft.

To each their own, but if all a blogger does it repost old stuff, and not interact with me, I’m going to be faster with the unfollow click. I mean, I go to the trouble of writing fresh new boring crap for you guys every single day! I don’t want my feed filled with a parade of moldy recyclables. If I see I’ve already hearted it… grrrr!

Seriously one guy reposts his half-dozen sensual love letters to his “goddess” every night and I’m just BARF ALREADY! Write something new to her, dude. Geez. 🤮

*

I just looked up the definition of cartoon cuz I wasn’t sure what counted. Obviously the shows we used to watch on Saturday morning, but comic strips too? Yup. And movies like Frozen? Yup. And those quickie caricatures? Yup. Also, the word comes from Italian, carta (paper), if anyone cares. First known usage was in 1671, as in a preparatory design. You’re welcome. 😜

*

I’m on the Nextdoor app to keep track of local doings. I was motivated to download it when the OCRegister went to a pay site. I miss the OCR, gotta admit, but I’m not gonna pay. I have no paid subscriptions to anything. Nextdoor is sometimes helpful/interesting, but Twitter is actually more on top of breaking emergencies. Of course there are trolls and idiots and assholes on ND because it is social media. People won’t follow rules and simply must jabber on about “the wall” and whatever other stupid BS pops into their heads. 🤬

Naturally there are the sea lion men, barking questions at women, only to tell them that their opinions are invalid. I ran into one of these jerks this weekend who told me I can’t have an opinion on my city after “only” living here 5 years when he’s been here 25. I muted him. It’s too bad they are only mutes and not blocks like Twitter. I would prefer it if he was not able to see and/or reply to me again. Same goes for anyone I mute in the future.

This is one of the things that makes it hard for women to express themselves online (not to mention in meatspace obviously). You have to constantly worry about angering some wacko man, especially if he’s local. Who even knows what might set some lunatic off into a rage? Idk if this guy is totally fine or a nutball, but I got a bad vibe, and so I let him have the last word because I see from other threads that it’s important to him. And I didn’t insult him like another woman did; I just quietly faded away. I’m not embarrassed to admit that I’m scared of men who seem trollish and unhinged. We read stories all the time about women being stalked and attacked by nutjobs. And crazy men are everywhere. We’re never safe. 😢

No, I’m not being overly dramatic. Just go look up the statistics about violence against women. This is another reason why I quit using dating sites. Besides all the benignly obnoxious jerks and liars and creeps, there are rapists and con men and murderers lurking there. It’s documented. And when some rando gets angry because you reject him after chatting, how do you know which group he falls into?

Not worth the stress.

Page 7, Line 5

Via The Haunted Wordsmith.

All I have here is the Berkeley Law magazine, which just came in the mail. It will have to do in lieu of a book.

“It combined two things I really care about: ensuring copyright law doesn’t block otherwise legitimate fair uses, and preserving video games I grew up playing,”

It makes me happy to know that quoting this quote is within the realm of fair use, qua the quote itself, so the quotee is not going to be mad at me if he googles his quote one day to see if anyone is discussing its intellectual merits and finds it plopped on a cupcake, cats, and romance novel blarg. Actually it’s more of a cats, angry poetry, and weird flash blog these days, isn’t it? Hmm. How would you label this mess? I gave up as you can see from my relatively recently updated tagline. Am I allowed to use two ly-adjectives in a row? Can I haz ruling?

What the article is actually about, if anyone cares, is preserving deactivated video games. Bet you never thought about that. Well, other people have. That’s why they’re in law school and you’re not, pffft.

I wonder what happened to that old Ladybug game my mommy used to play. It was one of the first up. I’ll never forget the annoying chomp chomp chomp sound as the bugs nommed up all the things.

That’s all. 🐞🐞🐞

Random Lunch Poast

I’m doing unexpectedly great with NaNo. Somehow, doing it in (private) blog poasts is keeping me from rereading my prior days’ output and deciding it sucks too much to continue. That’s mostly been why I haven’t made the 50K at times in the past, not poor time management. I’m still on track for this year’s 50K and will soon fly over my goal of 25K. Even if I end up somewhere in between, I’ll count that as a personal win. I’m really enjoying this story!

It’s suddenly turned cooler however, which means my apartment is freezing. I had planned to exercise to a video every day during November, as part of my yay-me plan, but I have not exercised at all. Being cold makes me tired and listless–like a snake, I have more energy when it’s hot. Luckily, my typing fingers still work.

I’ve finally become besties with my Mac, and I’m keeping mostly to my vow of using it for work, serious writing, longer emails, and record keeping, rather than cluttering it up with social media. I don’t blog publicly or tweet from there, or even read the news. I do want to download my music from the Lenovo backup drive though and I hope it won’t be a hassle. I miss my tunes. I know they’re all on CDs, but it’s not the same as just being able to play one without getting up.

It’s disturbing how we’re such slaves to tech. Just when I thought I was finally free of being dependent on anyone too. But if I can’t find my phone within 5 seconds of waking up in the morning… total panic. Oh, I left it charging across the room. Whew!

Triplets

Name three things – via the Blokey Guy:

You can dunk in tea or coffee?

– Chocolate chip cookies, sugar cookies, PB cookies. Tea only though – who dunks things in coffee? Psychos!

You can enjoy at a carnival?

– Sense of superiority, rolling my eyes, finally finding my car.

You can’t enjoy when it’s windy?

– Talking, walking, driving.

Your body can’t do?

– Run much, push-ups, pull-ups.

You don’t learn at school?

– Hot-wiring, lock-picking, safecracking.

You can put onto a pizza?

– Coconut, M&Ms, caramel.

You can eat with?

– Phone, laptop, TV.

You don’t suggest you do at home blindfolded?

– Text an ex, stand naked at the window, sharpen my knives. Especially not all three at once!

That are important to you?

– Sumatriptan, Topamax, Advil.

That you love to do at the beach?

– Leave, depart, skedaddle.

That you do in the morning?

– Grab phone, look at news, go omg what a lying shithead!

That you every time you log in to your blog?

– I use the app, so I’m never logged out, lol, but generally I check notifications first, then mosey through the reader for a bit, and lastly drag an idea out of my brainpan for a poast. 😜

Carrot Cake Rant

I wasn’t looking for anything extraordinary, just a carrot cake recipe made with almond flour. Google, google, google. No! I do not want paleo recipes made without sugar (yucky) or vegan recipes made without eggs (ick). I cleverly redid my search with minus signs in front of those words.

Why are all the recipes for two-layer cakes? My annoyance is burgeoning. I minus the word layers and put in the word sheetcake. OH PARDON ME IT’S TWO WORDS. (I left the one word here to be funny. I am funny! People have said. Many people.) A million recipes appear and each one has a list of one million ingredients each. Why do I need half a thimble of magic glitter from a hummingbird’s wing to make a FUCKING CARROT CAKE? I want to take a blunt instrument and smash my computer to bits, but I can’t because my daughters gifted it to me after I destroyed my last one.

Also, why do recipe bloggers jabber on in enormous essays before the text of their recipes? NO ONE CARES about your vacation in Chattanooga or wherever the fuck to visit Aunt Mildred. Just put that on another page along with stories about your dog and your gallbladder operation. We are only here for the recipe! That’s what we googled! And no one needs to see a macro close up photo of your pan. We all know what a pan looks like. And a spatula stuck in batter. JESUS F. CHRIST.

Okay, so maybe I need a mentor to show me how to internet. Idk. Why is it so hard to find things anymore? I can’t find good vids on YouTube these days. Recipes are a pain in the ass. The only thing that still works great ~ actually better than ever ~ are maps. Google maps. I use them constantly. Not to get anywhere, silly. Why would I want to leave my apartment? (There are people out there, gahhh!) But to have the characters in my stories go places and do things.

My NaNo protagonist has to go up to Fresno for a funeral. Then she’ll be off to Aruba and it has to sound legit. I can’t go to Aruba myself to research there personally, though if anyone has been to Aruba feel free to leave me some cool deets. No deets necessary on Fresno. I’m doing great, btw… almost 6K words, hopefully 7K by the end of the day!

I did find the almond flour sheet cake carrot cake with a normal number of ingredients, if anyone cares. I will make it soon.