Tag Archives: sex

Nose & Sose

Another Guy Called Bloke Production…

Talked to a complete stranger about life.

Never! Well, except for my blog blabbing and how I used to blurt stuff out to weird men on dating sites and…

Gone skydiving.

That is a 100% no way!

Got a tattoo.

Also nopety nope.

Had an allergic reaction.

So way. My parents called emergency in Chicago for me because I went into anaphylactic shock. The doctor said his best guess was a bee sting from handling fruit. But we don’t really know.

Cried while watching a movie.

Sure, all the time.

Gotten gum stuck in my hair.

I don’t think so.

Fallen asleep in the sun and gotten burned.

Yep. But not recently ~ I avoid bright sun because it’s a migraine trigger.

Over-plucked my eyebrows.

So way, as a silly teenager.

Been in a haunted house.

Only pretend ones.

Fallen asleep during sex.

I don’t remember.

Wore a whipped cream bikini.

No way.

Been to an “adult store”.

So way. The first time was funny. I went with a girlfriend who was too scared to go in, but I was fearless back then. I went in alone. This was in Wisconsin, I think, and I was 18. But once I was inside I lost my nerve a bit, so I just grabbed two paperback books and bought them. They were dumb, of course.

Felt the presence of “paranormal activity”.

I thought it could have been, but I don’t believe in that, so it wasn’t. It makes for good stories and poetry though.

Asked someone when they were due when they weren’t pregnant.

No way. Never. I avoid commenting on people’s body sizes and looks generally except to give bland compliments.

Seen a sex therapist.

Not as a patient, but I had a date with a man who thought he was one. Lolololol. Yes, another one of my wonderful dating experiences. 🤮

Burst out laughing at a really inappropriate time.

Often have the urge but can usually stifle it.

Called someone the wrong name.

I’m sure I have, but I am pretty good with names.

Walked in on a stranger who was butt naked.

In gym locker rooms, yep.

Said you were minutes away when you haven’t even left the house yet.

No. And it’s sofa king irritating how many Californians say everything is 20 minutes from wherever they are when LITERALLY NOTHING IS 20 MINUTES FROM ANYWHERE!!!!! Gahhh why do I even live here???

Fun questions. 🙄

Sorry Sorry Sorry!

I’m tired of useless, BS apologies. Haven’t we heard enough of them already? All these phony baloney pretensions of being contrite when everyone knows that the only thing the [celeb, politician, spouse, etc.] is sorry about is the fact that they got caught doing whatever thing. 🙄

I expect that in the coming weeks we’ll be treated to a parade of sorries from the criminals caught up in the college cheating scandal. You know they’re unrepentant. You know they haven’t suddenly found a moral compass. They’re just sorry they got caught.

I would love to see real justice served up to these uber wealthy who believe they can sail through life flinging money at every obstacle until it disappears, but I’ve been told that is unlikely. Money is power after all. These superrich celebs know another scandal will be along soon, and theirs will thaw in the public mind until it melts from view.

It was a relief to read that Faux News creep announcing how he refused to apologize for his nasty comments about women and girls. He knows he’s a jerk. He knows we know ~ and he doesn’t give a crap. No one has to pretend to accept his fake apology because he isn’t giving one. Win win!

On the other hand, when someone is forced to apologize for saying something nasty or doing a bad, and you know they don’t mean it, our cultural norms dictate that you give them a second chance even when you know in your heart they’re insincere. That’s really annoying. 😡

Then what happens? All too predictably, they go and do the same thing again. We’ve all seen it, haven’t we? Both in our personal lives and with public figures. I used to buy into the second chance garbage, especially with romance ~ I can’t tell you how many plots are built around the concept of the “second chance romance,” and it seeps into your mindset that you should be forgiving. Well, that’s crapadoo.

We should be more judgmental is what. If your instincts say someone is a lying jerk, and they’ve hurt you once, then why accept an apology? Why give a second chance? Eff all that. Pffft. 😛

Yeah, if time has passed and someone has demonstrably changed their behavior, that’s a different thing. Then their apology isn’t just a giant bowl of moldy word salad.

*

Speaking of misogyny. This is in no way a defense of the Faux News creep, but we are sure weird about bodies, especially female ones. I mean, we have “pageants” where women (or girls even, gah) are supposed to glorify their physical looks in bikinis and glittery gowns, with loads of makeup on their faces and their hair styled all sexy, etc., but men are not supposed to be attracted to them, and if they are, they must not express their attraction in any sort of inappropriate language. What is the right way for a man to say that Miss Maine is appealing to him without sounding degrading or demeaning? “Gosh, I would love to discuss poetry with her over a nice cup of tea?” 🌹

There are men who haven’t been present at teen beauty pageants, ever. I would wager most men have not. So, we don’t know what most adult men would say to their friends about these girls. Maybe adult men shouldn’t be at these pageants. Maybe we shouldn’t have contests where teen girls are judged by adult men on how they look in bikinis. Just some thought noodles…

*

WordPress apparently did not want to be left out of the #failloop of Gmail and Facebook, which both went kerflooey this week, Gmail on Tuesday and FB yesterday. (I only know about FB from everyone’s moaning ~ happily, I do not have any FB products myself.) So, last night I was yet again treated to a 12+ hour gap in posts in my newsfeed. If you’re wondering why you’re missing my hearts and cheery comments, this is the reason. 😢

I did search for the prompts however, and to my delight lots of them could be applied (with a wrench) to this very post I had saved in drafts, hurrah! Of course, I needed to write a zillion more words, but when does that stop me? (Hint: never.) I hope everyone has read to the bitter end looking for the prize!

Erm, there isn’t one.

So very sincerely sorry that you read all these words for nothing. 😂😂😂

~*~

Opposites Attract: Challenge 9

Opposites Attract: Challenge 11

[yes, I skipped 10 ~ even my wrench could not make it fit]

Share Bear 🐻

Sparks has another installment of Share Your World for us today.

^^^ There’s a lil taste of SoCal for anyone who might be wondering about the glam life I lead out here on the Left Coast.

QUESTIONS:

What, in your opinion, is the point to life?

– There is no point. What I mean by this is that I don’t believe we will be rewarded or punished by a supernatural force who is keeping track of our good and bad deeds on a holy spreadsheet. If something is good, then we should do it because it’s good, not for points. Live a good life now, and don’t do bad things. Why not? Because they’re bad. If you’re an adult, you shouldn’t need a cookie for not being bad. Mmm cookies! Maybe cookies are the point? Note to self: more research needed.

What was your most recent lie?  You don’t have to get really specific obviously.

– I’ve quit lying. No, that’s not a lie! The reason I used to lie so much was due to my upfucked romantic situations. Some of the lies were told because I legit perceived some men as threatening, physically or emotionally. Some were simply told out of convenience. Some to spare guys’ feelings, rightly or wrongly. But all that is over. What a blessed relief!

What country do you consider the strangest?   (it’s all In fun folks, ALL countries may seem strange to outsiders)

– The USA. I’m saying this both because I’m unfamiliar with other countries and cuz I do think we’re a bit weird here. Take our politics. Please! Take it away, far away. And we’re so bizarre about sex, both fetishizing it and acting so damn Puritanical about it. I mean, we love our skimpily dressed stars, but GOD FORBID one of them breastfeeds her baby in public. Ewwww boobs. Gross! Put that thing away. Do it in the bathroom.

What’s your funniest story involving a car?

– Hard to choose. How about the time I was driving my daughter home from a trip to register for something or other at UCSD, was trying to find a place for lunch off the freeway, ended up in the wrong lane, and got trapped into the visitors’ line at the marine base. Once in the line, you were not allowed to escape. And it was a long damn line. We almost starved to DEATH! When we got up to the front, I explained that we only wanted lunch and the nice marine dude said this happens and told me how to turn around and leave. So embarrassing. We found a Hawaiian barbecue place around 2pm and decided it was the best food ever, but it really wasn’t. When I had it again another time, I realized it was only bland chicken and macaroni salad.

GRATITUDE

Do you have something you’re very thankful for or that showed immense kindness toward yourself or someone?

– Heat. It’s been really cold here. I’m extremely grateful to whoever discovered fire, and I’m betting it was a woman. Why do we assume it was a man? We’re the ones who are always freezing! 🥶

My Way or the Highway

Another Rory and Doodle Pip Production.

Oh No Way, Oh So Way – My Way![6]

I have eaten snails

Oh So Way. Unfortunately, my parents along with a waiter coerced/forced me to try a disgusting horrible slimy snail when I was 11 in the spirit of being adventurous. It was super traumatic (for the poor snail too I imagine), and I’ve never had another. I also took the lesson and never forced my kids to eat anything they didn’t want.

Received a speeding ticket

Oh No Way. Never have in almost 42 years of driving. I’ve received two other tickets and worked them off in traffic school. One was deserved and one was not, but I don’t argue with cops.

Fallen asleep during an important meeting

Oh No Way. Not during work, never. Though I regularly dozed off during an 8am European history class at the University of Illinois and messed up my quizzes. I ended up with a B even so because I always do great on multiple choice exams, and for the essay portion of the final I simply lucked out. I had memorized the 8 points of fascism right before the test and that’s what he asked us to write about. Don’t ask me what they are now cuz I don’t remember.

Sunbathed nude

Oh No Way.

Taken part in a talent show

Oh So Way. Yeah, I’ve read some poetry at gatherings and such. Done open-mic stand-up comedy a couple times. And waaay back when in 8th grade the girls had to model the crap we made in sewing class.

Worn Crocs

Oh No Way. Yucky.

Screamed at a scary scene in a movie showhouse

Oh No Way. I try to avoid scary movies altogether, but even so I would gasp not scream. I did scream at a haunted house thing where I had to put my hand into a dying man’s guts to pull out a clue so we could leave the room. I actually couldn’t do it and my doctor friend had to. 😱😂

Been involved in a hit and run

Oh So Way. Twice. The first time was on the Pacific Coast Highway in Newport Beach on my way to work. A woman in a red VW bumped me and acted like she’d pull over but then took off. The second time some total ahole hit me around midnight on the 55 in Tustin, and I chased him for a while but lost him. 😡😡😡

Been locked outside when naked

Oh No Way. What? Lol

Been approached by a hooker

Oh No Way. Not unless you count the con men on dating sites.

Re – gifted a gift to someone else that l was gifted

Oh So Way. I’m sure I must have done this.

Fallen over something in the street whilst texting

Oh So Way. Not while texting, but just while being a general dorkasaurus.

Fallen asleep on the toilet

Oh No Way.

Had sex in a tent

Oh No Way. I don’t think I’ve ever even been in a tent!

Properly kissed someone of the same sex

Oh No Way. Nor improperly.

Surfed

Oh No Way. Athletic endeavors and I are not a good match, especially if they involve balancing.

Had sex on the first date

Oh So Way. I don’t recommend this. I understand that some people end up in LTRs after beginning with casual type events, but in my experience I have not found it possible to turn something shallow and superficial into something serious and meaningful. Of course, if all you want is the casual thing, then go for it.

Holidayed in a nudist camp

Oh No Way. Nothing against them if that’s your thing, but I’m already freezing to death 24/7.

Hand Over Mouth [SOCS]

Yawning is contagious, or so I’ve heard. If you yawn, I yawn, and then 💤 off we go to the sweet land of nod? But what if you’re fake-yawning to catch me off-guard, so I begin to doze and you can steal my candy? Snakes “yawn” when a mouse is around, so they can biggify their face to gobble him up. That’s pretty unhinged. I don’t think we catch yawns across species, do we? I’ll have to pay more attention to see if my cat and I synchronize our yawns. Some people yawn noisily ~ why is that? Mostly I think I don’t. It’s easy enough to silence a yawn. Not that we should feel ashamed of being tired. Well, except in limited circumstances, like maybe during sex. I suppose that would be uncool. I can’t remember yawning during sex. Or sex. Oops, getting off-topic! Pardon me. Is that the time? Off to schedule other posts. Busy busy! 😀

V4L Challenge 12

Do Aminals Feel Love?

Match dot com strikes again!

We are talking about romantic love in this post, not love for friends or trains or apple pie with those yummy crumbs on top (mmm pie!). 💖

Humans are animals, and we have defined love as something that at least some humans feel (🚺), so technically the answer is yes. But Rory means “lower” animals, so let’s focus on them. I’m not going to nitpick over the definition of love either. Either it exists or it doesn’t. If you believe it’s only a sciencey thing, made up of chemical type reactions, we can stick with that across the board, from humans to spiders. If you believe it’s a woowoo thing, full of golden stardust and eternal flames and whatnot, we’ll shovel that in the mix. I don’t care. Just be consistent. Why would humans have soul mates and gorillas not? Oh right. God said. It’s in that book. 🙄

So. Back to logic. The higher animals (primates, dogs, cats, pigs, dolphins, yada) feel things, or react to them similarly to us in such ways that it’s fair to say they experience emotional states parallel to ours. We’re talking about fear, anger, and even some advanced concepts such as fair play. Look it up. But many hesitate when it comes to asserting that animals feel love. They’ll say a dog is “loyal” because he’s programmed to be, or a cat stays close only because you feed her. 🐱

But we could say the same about humans then and define away the concept of love altogether. Husband stays because he’s loyal, took vows, is concerned about his reputation, etc. Wife stays because she likes the nice big house and lifestyle. Where is the love? What is love? 💕

If we posit that love between humans (or among for you pervs) is something beyond these cold material things, beyond sexual attraction, then why hesitate when it comes to animals?

Idk! People weird things is my best guess. If you’re wondering whether I answered the question in this jabberish, that’s fair. I hedged. I say if there is a thing we’re defining as love for humans, then all higher animals should not be excluded from the circle. But I am an atheist and, despite my poetry (and even my latest fictional WIP) which can careen into the woo to better illustrate emotions, I don’t believe in souls, soul mates, eternal flames, fate, or anything of that nature.

Watch out for cranky tigers! 🐯

New Year’s Eve Quiz

Let’s see how well you’ve been paying attention to my poasts all year. 😀🎉🎈

1. In preparation for a night of partying on NYE, Paula will spend the afternoon of December 31…

A. Cooking a fabulous meal from scratch for lots of guests.

B. Getting a glam makeover at the salon.

C. Probably reading blogs.

2. When Paula arrives at her NYE destination, she is most likely to jump right into…

A. Chatting with the nearest cat or dog.

B. Networking with a group of business peeps.

C. Dancing like a maniac.

3. What will Paula be drinking on this festive occasion?

A. French champagne, daaaahling.

B. Brewskis!

C. Tea, preferably hot.

4. It’s an hour or so before midnight ~ what’s Paula likely to be doing?

A. Playing a board game.

B. Lighting sparklers on the beach.

C. Prank calling the local PD.

5. What does Paula do when the clock strikes midnight?

A. Grabs the closest man and gives him a big smooch.

B. Screams and yells and makes as much noise as possible.

C. Nothing much cuz she’s tired and wants to go home already.

6. Okay, it’s New Year’s Day, January 1, 2019. What’s Paula up to?

A. She’s begun a whole new life, sailing around the world cuz adventure is her middle name!

B. She’s nursing a wicked hangover and wonders who the strange man is in her bed.

C. Nothing, just chills at home with the cat.

Hey everyone! Have a happy eve and stay safe. See ya on the flip side! 🎉🍾❤️

After the eggnog is gone…

For today’s challenge (not to be confused with tomorrow’s challenge that I poasted yesterday), Rory asks us to create a top 5 song list for Christmas. Well, I’ve already mentioned my fave xmoose songs a few times, but as we know the holidays see a lot of romantical type breakups. Something about all that pressure and prezzies and fighting over the last perfect tree-shaped c00kie. With that in mind, here are my top 5 songs about breaking up, over the hols or whenevs.

She put a big F-U in my future…

It ain’t me you’re looking for, babe…

The old-fashioned block sender…

Being all philosophical about it…

THE HELL WITH THIS CRAP ANYWAY!

Oopsy, almost forgot my taggaroos. Anyone who has participated in any of the music challenges recently is hereby tagged! Lists please ASAP. Don’t forget to link back to Rory. 🙂🎶

30-Day Song Challenge

Day 24: a band I wish were still together. Welp, I confess I don’t know what Fleetwood Mac sounds like without Lindsey Buckingham, but the whole breakup tale is simply sad. It’s hard to choose a favorite from their best days because they’re all great, but here’s one I love. If you don’t want to watch Captain Kirk, the #me2 H8R, kissing all the girls, best not click. 😂

The Artist’s Woo

Via Bee Halton. This is supposed to help unlock our creativity or summat, idk. It’s from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron. Can’t hurt eh? Plus, yay questions!

1. My favourite childhood toy was… those horribly unrealistic Barbies that warped my brain. I had bunches of lady dolls and only one Ken, so naturally I created a house of ill repute, as you do.

2. My favourite childhood game was… spies with my friend Cheryl with invisible James Bonds. It took a lot of imagination. I also liked Clue and Battleship with less fanciful friends.

3. The best movie I ever saw as a kid was… Love Story (1970).

4. I don’t do it much but I enjoy… going to museums.

5. If I could lighten up a little, I’d let myself… go to paint night again!

6. If it weren’t too late, I’d… have pizza 🍕!

7. My favourite musical instrument is… the piano.

8. The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is… not a lot.

9. If I weren’t so stingy with my artist, I’d buy him/her… more paint nights.

10. Taking time out for myself is… a luxury and a necessity.

11. I am afraid that if I start dreaming… the day will float by with nothing done. Which is what is happening…

12. I secretly enjoy reading… romance novels (not exactly a secret). 😂

13. If I had had a perfect childhood I’d have grown up to be… more confident and independent at a much earlier age.

14. If it didn’t sound so crazy, I’d write or make a… VOODOO DOLL BWAHAHAHA!

15. My parents think artists are… dunno, they’re in a freezer at UCI.

16. My God thinks artists are… spending too much time thinking about God’s thoughts… do we even know God haz a brain?

17. What makes me feel weird about this recovery is… nothing, since I’m not doing it, psych!

18. Learning to trust myself is probably… something I should have done decades earlier.

19. My most cheer-me-up music is… rock & pop oldies. 🎶🎶🎶

20. My favourite way to dress is… warm & cozy.