Let the extraneous fade away; Begone the chaos of the day, For I cannot control time’s cascade. Instead I focus on the small: A leaf, a bud, the soothing rain, The wind that whispers down the hall. If I am mindful when night falls, Will I sense an order to it all?
Drifting past the din, I float into dream terrain, Where zephyrs caress me And wings whisper your name. Will I find you here… In illusion’s meadow, So far from my bedroom? The terrible price I pay For glimpsing heaven once, Is to never see it again.
I thought I’d turn Fandango’s Provocative Question today into a pointless meander. He asks if I’ve ever had to make what turned out to be a life-changing decision and, if so, do I wish I could go back in time and change it, blah blah, what and why. There have been a few…
Generally, I begin with my foolish decision not to go to Northwestern U. I had no idea about “prestigious” colleges back then apart from the obvious Harvard, Yale, etc. I knew it was good I’d gotten accepted, but the gravitas of the decision was foreign to me. I behaved impulsively as a teen and things that went wrong were easily fixed. Everything felt inconsequential at the time. My parents didn’t seem to care, and after an argument with my mom, she decided she didn’t want to pay for NU, so I ended up at the University of Illinois in Champaign. It was a horrible experience, I dropped out, moved back home, and ended up in a series of dead-end, low-paying jobs.
Next, I moved from Chicago to Southern California with my parents at age 22. I’m not sure this was a great decision, though it would have been hard to stay in the city alone given my crappy jobs. But from the minute I stumbled off the plane to right now, I’ve had one giant migraine that never seems to disappear for good. I know I’d probably suffer from them wherever I lived, but it soured the whole experience for me. I remember being bombarded with the dazzling sunshine when we landed and feeling like I was going to pass out from the brightness and the pain.
Finally, I returned to college to finish my degree. But again, doh, I eschewed UCLA for Cal State because the freaking parking was easier. It seemed like an okay decision at the time, but it was yet another folly. Not that I had a bad experience at Northridge ~ I actually loved it all and appreciated my classes and the professors there. But until I had my own children I did not realize the importance of the name of a school. Whatever, at least I finished and that led me to the job I have now, which is good. But I got a late start at a career and retirement savings…
All the while this school/moving stuff was going on, I was also dating. Ugh, what a nightmare. I can’t blame online dating and culture such as it is now for my relationship issues, since I’ve had them all along. I am attracted to the wrong men, and that’s just the common denominator of the whole mess. I regret spending/wasting time with a lot of these guys, but I can’t regret my second marriage because my two wonderful daughters are my prize for sticking with it. I should have ended it sooner however. I definitely regret all the years I thought the marriage could be fixed and floated in limbo, taking no action to help myself move on.
I like to imagine that if I’d been single in my 40s I would have had a great romance and met my life partner, though that’s probably false. I would have simply made stupid dating decisions all that time too. Ugh, thinking about all this is an emotional drain… plus it’s all fantasy. I did what I did and here I am. The only thing to do is to slog on…
Thorn reread the script, growing more anxiouswith each word. He’d been draconianin the negotiations, demanding no scenes together with his ex Moira, but here were the lines in black and white. Tomorrowhe was supposed to grab her in a “passionate embrace.”
He didn’t want to touch her, or even be in the same room with her! This scene would be a gateway for a torrent of unwelcome emotions to flood his mind and wreck the calm he’d worked so hard to achieve since Moira had dumped him for that drummer. Thorn was uncertainhow to proceed. Perhaps he should quit the play, before there was any contact whatsoever.
“Hello, Thorn,” came a soft voice behind him. “We need to talk.”
Malcolm the owl was an energetic young fellow, especially first thing in the morning. He wanted to demonstratehis eloquent speechand share the stupendousideas he had concocted right at the break of dawn. Unfortunately, all the other owls were fast asleep.
After flying over to his friend Zeke’s tree, Malcolm gave Zeke a quick poke with his beak. “I challengeyou to a game of chess and let’s make it 3D!” Malcolm hooted.
Zeke opened one bleary eye and sighed, “Dear owl pal, there is a glitch in your wiring. We are supposed to snooze when the sun is out shining.”
Distressed, Malcolm flew home and played chess with a rabbit. The bunny beat him, so Malcolm ate him. “How I wish Zeke were awake,” Malcolm said with a shake of his head and a burp.