Poof! [flash 93]

The madman didn’t pause because tonight was the night. Everything he had planned would come to fruition before the sun rose. Yes, he knew he was moonstruck with the power he had stolen, but the ultimate goal was now within reach and there was nothing to stop him. He reached for the device to broadcast one last final lie to the population that remained in thrall to his every word.

However, from a tiny shed on the edge of the world, the teenaged hacker began the program to stop him.

{delete-internet:commence}

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Sunday at the Maul [rantish]

Yesterday, after having a fabulous pizza lunch with my dear friend at a lovely restaurant literally a few steps from my apartment, I had the bright idea to go shopping at South Coast Plaza. Let me explain! I reasoned that all the exciting deals would be starting on dreadful Black Friday, so I could browse in peace the weekend prior to the madness.

Wrong! Wrongety wrong wrong wrong. I can admit when I’m wrong, and man I was wrong with a side helping of wrongola.

But once I was there and had been driving around for 15 minutes looking for parking, I wasn’t about to change my mind and give up. Nope. At first, I searched the lanes methodically, banking on my good parking karma as a considerate driver, but that got me nowhere, so then I cruised around haphazardly until I found an empty space, which happened to be at the butt-end of Saks, but hey… good exercise, amirite?

After entering the maul itself, I made a beeline (whatever that is) for the spot all the way on the opposite side where I had a vague memory my favorite baby store Gymboree used to be located. Yay, it was still there! Boo, it didn’t have anything I liked. But Baby Gap was right next door, hurrah! They had a super cute outfit! But no matching booties. What? Can’t buy a footless baby outfit sans matching sox! The horror.

I readjusted my bearings to the shambles of the reality of the maul and the fact that I’d have to navigate it. Good gawd it was stuffed with people! So many people. There was a snow house dealio, so naturally all the people with kids needed to pose around there. It was too crowded for me to see if a Santa lurked within. People without kids were also posing. Selfie time! Not me, obviously. Ever since I quit Facebook and Instagram, I’m amazed at how few selfies and pics of food I actually need.

I made a silent vow: I would not leave the maul sans my holiday gifts. No way was I enduring this torture without a payoff. I didn’t need that many, mostly just the baby stuff. Eventually, I found it at Macy’s, which was having the most incredible pre-sale sales, even for those of us lucky enough not to be burdened with the misfortune of having a Macy’s credit card (world’s worst T&C’s).

I was going to regale y’all with the side story of how I managed to find the ONE THING not on sale at Macy’s: a black bra. But this poast is already so long no one in their right mind is going to read it. Not to mention I have two prompt words left here on my Post-It and I need to use them, but they don’t go with a bra at all.

On the way out, I just happened to pass the jewelry department and discovered that some of their sterling silver was 75% off. Now, this was just crazy! I began to look at the earrings and found a pair with created opals. I used to be turned off by the idea of “fake” stones, but now I think they’re not only better deals than genuine stones but more ethical purchases besides. Anyway, these lil opals were soooo colorful and sparkly, and now only $10! So, I bought myself a treat. I don’t consider a bra a treat. That’s more like… tires.

Okay then. Done with the maul for another year or 10. So much nicer to order online or go to cute little shops that are out of the mainstream.

Mugging It Up

Mugs. I like mugs, OKAYYYY? Mugs are great, and not just for the obvious like tea or coffee, though I am drinking coffee out of one at the mo. It may sound like lunacy, but I like having soup and cereal in a mug (not together, derp) ~ much neater than a bowl. I also like ice cream in a mug, especially if it’s trysting with Bailey’s. Mmmbailey’s.

I like unique mugs, such as the ones pictured above. Two are from my daughter: the giraffe in the back and the Chicago one from a HS trip (it has a grammatical error though, lol). The one that says “Fran” my mom bought on a vacay to New Mexico. The silly zoo one I filled with pens and whatnot was also my mom’s. I bought the pink cupcake mug on a trip to the Huntington Gardens in San Marino. I also have a few boring but serviceable mugs that came with my set of dishes from Target.

Note that we’re not talking about dainty lil teacups you set out with fancy cookies for when the duchesses come to visit. Pffft. We’re talking mugs, people.

You might think that 10 mugs is enough for a person who lives alone like a hermit, but I don’t. I asked for more for Christmas (Chanukah really, but I wanted to use the prompt).

So, there you have it. Mugs! 😜🤪🙃

Selling Points [flash 123]

“This is a very special property,” Bob the broker told the prospective buyers. “You’re basically sequestered with lots of privacy. Only a tiny percentage of homes have such a large back yard.”

Henry the husband nodded enthusiastically. “I can definitely imagine taking a snooze back here by the tranquil koi pond. Why does the owner want to sell?”

Bob made a sad face. “She decided to move back to Japan. Her husband died suddenly and she wants to be with her family.”

“I love it!” Wendy the wife exclaimed. She walked around the back yard and stopped at the pond to peer into it. “Oh look, Henry. Their Halloween display must have fallen in. It’s a man with a knife in his back.”

~*~

Photo prompt and the words Japan, tranquil, and koi provided by The Haunted Wordsmith.

Shopping Cart Soliloquy [flash 221]

The woman adjusted her coats and walked around behind the park bench where she’d just spent the night. She yelled across the grass, “Get out! You don’t belong here!”

But the man walking his dog was too far away to hear her.

The woman didn’t like dogs. Or cats. Or little children. They were mean and stared at her. Sometimes they touched her cart. Grownups knew not to do that. She made scary faces at the kids in hopes they would quit coming near her. She didn’t need any trouble.

She rearranged the bags in her cart so they were in a pattern that pleased her. Then she began to talk, at first in a mutter and then louder:

“No one knows, but we will orchestrate the dance. We will choose our own music and it will be beautiful! There will be roses and cakes. And everything will fall down. Then they will see. We won’t be silent forever. Not when the music begins. They will be naked and they will listen to us!”

A young woman jogged past, and the older woman gripped her cart and screamed, “You will listen when the houses fall! You won’t ignore us when you’re lying in the mud with the dogs!”

But the jogger had earbuds in and missed the entire Shopping Cart Soliloquy.

~*~

Random pic of bird in HB Central Park.

Random Lunch Poast

I’m doing unexpectedly great with NaNo. Somehow, doing it in (private) blog poasts is keeping me from rereading my prior days’ output and deciding it sucks too much to continue. That’s mostly been why I haven’t made the 50K at times in the past, not poor time management. I’m still on track for this year’s 50K and will soon fly over my goal of 25K. Even if I end up somewhere in between, I’ll count that as a personal win. I’m really enjoying this story!

It’s suddenly turned cooler however, which means my apartment is freezing. I had planned to exercise to a video every day during November, as part of my yay-me plan, but I have not exercised at all. Being cold makes me tired and listless–like a snake, I have more energy when it’s hot. Luckily, my typing fingers still work.

I’ve finally become besties with my Mac, and I’m keeping mostly to my vow of using it for work, serious writing, longer emails, and record keeping, rather than cluttering it up with social media. I don’t blog publicly or tweet from there, or even read the news. I do want to download my music from the Lenovo backup drive though and I hope it won’t be a hassle. I miss my tunes. I know they’re all on CDs, but it’s not the same as just being able to play one without getting up.

It’s disturbing how we’re such slaves to tech. Just when I thought I was finally free of being dependent on anyone too. But if I can’t find my phone within 5 seconds of waking up in the morning… total panic. Oh, I left it charging across the room. Whew!

Comedy Is Hard

It’s easy to be funny on the fly ~ most of us have come up with a zinger or three and cracked up our friends. I do it pretty often, but a lot of my jokes fail, especially in text. Imagine being funny for 5 minutes straight or 10 or 30… think that’s easy? No, it’s not.

Beware of the man who insists he’s funny all the time and humor is easy for him. They are manipulative and scary. There’s a reason why so many people are terrified of clowns ~ I’m not, but I get it. When you don’t laugh at the clown, he gets angry, very angry. It’s never his failure to be funny; it’s always you not getting it.

I love parody, but it has to be good. Crappy parody makes me cringe. I’ll give you an example. I think Alec Baldwin’s parodies of Trump on SNL are crappy. They’re simply imitating Trump’s stupidity, not adding any dimension to it. When someone came out portraying Bannon as Darth Vader? That was great parody! Larry David’s parody of Bernie Sanders had me on the floor. So effing funny.

One of my favorite parodies of all time is the film Analyze This! It gently mocks the entire mob movie genre, starring Robert DeNiro as a caricature of all the mob guys he’s ever played. I love it so much. Billy Crystal is wonderful as the straight-man psychiatrist.

I love language-centered humor and wordplays. I find a lot of country music has super funny lyrics, which is why I roll my eyes at peeps who dismiss it outright. Have you ever heard “She’s Got a Way with Words” by Blake Shelton? Omg hilarious!

The best kind of humor imo is the kind that’s intertwined with the story, not the focus of it, but inevitable, despite drama and trauma, because ~ let’s face it ~ you have to laugh at the absurdity of life lest you go completely bonkers.

Or you can do both. Some people are better at multitasking than otters.

Snack Time [flash 100]

“What’s this word?” Honey asked.

“Mosaic,” Sugar replied.

Cocoa laughed. “Bears can’t read! It’s not feasible. We don’t have the right skill set.”

“Reading is the farthest thing from my mind,” Honey said. “I’m trying to find a recipe.”

“Those yummy cookies the family had last week?” Sugar sniffed the air as if she could already catch a whiff of baking.

Honey rubbed her tummy. “Yes.”

“Sorry to disrupt the fantasy,” Cocoa said. “But this isn’t a cookbook.”

The bears were sad for twenty-seven seconds, but then they forgot because they were bears. Also, they ate the book.

The End.

~*~

Inspired by a photo from The Haunted Wordsmith.

PS: To nitpickers, I know the diff between further and farther, but these are bears, so give them a break. 🐻

Playing with Time

Writing in wordbursts for NaNo has already helped to clarify something in my current story. At first, I thought I’d go back and forth chronologically. I begin with a phone call alerting the protag to her brother’s death. Then I go back 20 years to when her brother introduced her to her soulmate. Then up I go for the funeral. Then back to loverboy. Up, back. I assumed I’d continue this format to the end even though it’s unwieldy.

But noooo! It’s confusing. And possibly annoying to the reader. I had an epiphany today. When I go back the first time, I’m gonna stay back and finish the whole love connection dealio, then pop up to the present where everything gets tangled into a ginormous ghostball.

As I said, I’ve no desire to edit. I conquered that danger by poasting my writing in a secret blargh. No editing. Nope. All good. (Biting edity fingers.)

Carrot Cake Rant

I wasn’t looking for anything extraordinary, just a carrot cake recipe made with almond flour. Google, google, google. No! I do not want paleo recipes made without sugar (yucky) or vegan recipes made without eggs (ick). I cleverly redid my search with minus signs in front of those words.

Why are all the recipes for two-layer cakes? My annoyance is burgeoning. I minus the word layers and put in the word sheetcake. OH PARDON ME IT’S TWO WORDS. (I left the one word here to be funny. I am funny! People have said. Many people.) A million recipes appear and each one has a list of one million ingredients each. Why do I need half a thimble of magic glitter from a hummingbird’s wing to make a FUCKING CARROT CAKE? I want to take a blunt instrument and smash my computer to bits, but I can’t because my daughters gifted it to me after I destroyed my last one.

Also, why do recipe bloggers jabber on in enormous essays before the text of their recipes? NO ONE CARES about your vacation in Chattanooga or wherever the fuck to visit Aunt Mildred. Just put that on another page along with stories about your dog and your gallbladder operation. We are only here for the recipe! That’s what we googled! And no one needs to see a macro close up photo of your pan. We all know what a pan looks like. And a spatula stuck in batter. JESUS F. CHRIST.

Okay, so maybe I need a mentor to show me how to internet. Idk. Why is it so hard to find things anymore? I can’t find good vids on YouTube these days. Recipes are a pain in the ass. The only thing that still works great ~ actually better than ever ~ are maps. Google maps. I use them constantly. Not to get anywhere, silly. Why would I want to leave my apartment? (There are people out there, gahhh!) But to have the characters in my stories go places and do things.

My NaNo protagonist has to go up to Fresno for a funeral. Then she’ll be off to Aruba and it has to sound legit. I can’t go to Aruba myself to research there personally, though if anyone has been to Aruba feel free to leave me some cool deets. No deets necessary on Fresno. I’m doing great, btw… almost 6K words, hopefully 7K by the end of the day!

I did find the almond flour sheet cake carrot cake with a normal number of ingredients, if anyone cares. I will make it soon.