Let the extraneous fade away; Begone the chaos of the day, For I cannot control time’s cascade. Instead I focus on the small: A leaf, a bud, the soothing rain, The wind that whispers down the hall. If I am mindful when night falls, Will I sense an order to it all?
Michelle’s words reverberated in Owen’s mind as he hugged her goodbye. He had deviatedfrom their “no strings attached” arrangement this afternoon and proffered his heart. She’d gone paleimmediately and reminded him of their agreement to remain emotionally uninvolved.
“I tried,” he told her. “I failed! Can you honestly admit you feel nothing for me after all these months?”
Michelle just shook her head and put on her coat. “You know what I have to do.”
“Yes.” He nodded. “And I can go with you. I know it’ll be tough, but together we—”
She held up a hand and interrupted. “Where I go, no one can follow. I’m sorry, Owen. My mission is more important than a romance.”
He’d walked her to the dock, feeling angry, but that soon morphed into a piercing sadness. Owen knew he couldn’t change her mind, no matter what he said.
“Thank you for understanding,” Michelle said now as she stepped away.
Owen didn’t understand, but he watched her stride toward the nondescript foreign boat, the scent of her citrus perfume still hovering in the air.
Drifting past the din, I float into dream terrain, Where zephyrs caress me And wings whisper your name. Will I find you here… In illusion’s meadow, So far from my bedroom? The terrible price I pay For glimpsing heaven once, Is to never see it again.
Proud silent tree Shakes off summer leaves As the wind blows in cold. If they only knew, I’ll be leaving here soon, Perhaps they’d stay green Until the first winter’s snow. A small touch of grace: Something left in this place Will remind you of gold.
Soooo, I have tried to avoid bitching too much about WordPress, as imperfect as it is. Not to mention that I don’t hate the block editor (heresy!), though of course I have empathyfor anyone experiencing difficulties getting their writing to publish. The thing is, blogging is my favorite form of social media by far, and I’m super grateful it’s surviving when almost everyone else just twitters and faceplops. I blame a short attention span… I remember when some of my writer friends kept interesting blogs, but now they just quote boring political crap on FB, or repost dumb memes. I guess it’s easier. 🙄
H O W E V E R!
I had the damndest time getting my last post to publish properly. And this has nothing to do with the cursed BE because I was using the app in classic mode. Ooh, maybe they’re screwing with the CE to get us to switch over entirely (I use the BE on my laptop). I had to keep fixing it and republishing it to get all the links to “take.” They would disappear in the process and I’d view the post only to find them poofed. So maddening!
I understand that the outcome of writing to WP for help is zippo, nada, crickets. So why bother? Instead I’m venting here, especially because this wasn’t a one-off. I’ve had to repost other pieces of writing due to formatting glitches. Sometimes my video links don’t show up with previews, and it looks stupid when the html link sits there alone instead of a nice music image. Btw, I’m in the process of labeling all my saved images, since the WP search function is crap. Not talking about their library, but trying to find something I’ve used before and saved in mine. Yes, that’s a differentissue, but why not throw everything into the Big Casserole of Doom?
I thought I’d turn Fandango’s Provocative Question today into a pointless meander. He asks if I’ve ever had to make what turned out to be a life-changing decision and, if so, do I wish I could go back in time and change it, blah blah, what and why. There have been a few…
Generally, I begin with my foolish decision not to go to Northwestern U. I had no idea about “prestigious” colleges back then apart from the obvious Harvard, Yale, etc. I knew it was good I’d gotten accepted, but the gravitas of the decision was foreign to me. I behaved impulsively as a teen and things that went wrong were easily fixed. Everything felt inconsequential at the time. My parents didn’t seem to care, and after an argument with my mom, she decided she didn’t want to pay for NU, so I ended up at the University of Illinois in Champaign. It was a horrible experience, I dropped out, moved back home, and ended up in a series of dead-end, low-paying jobs.
Next, I moved from Chicago to Southern California with my parents at age 22. I’m not sure this was a great decision, though it would have been hard to stay in the city alone given my crappy jobs. But from the minute I stumbled off the plane to right now, I’ve had one giant migraine that never seems to disappear for good. I know I’d probably suffer from them wherever I lived, but it soured the whole experience for me. I remember being bombarded with the dazzling sunshine when we landed and feeling like I was going to pass out from the brightness and the pain.
Finally, I returned to college to finish my degree. But again, doh, I eschewed UCLA for Cal State because the freaking parking was easier. It seemed like an okay decision at the time, but it was yet another folly. Not that I had a bad experience at Northridge ~ I actually loved it all and appreciated my classes and the professors there. But until I had my own children I did not realize the importance of the name of a school. Whatever, at least I finished and that led me to the job I have now, which is good. But I got a late start at a career and retirement savings…
All the while this school/moving stuff was going on, I was also dating. Ugh, what a nightmare. I can’t blame online dating and culture such as it is now for my relationship issues, since I’ve had them all along. I am attracted to the wrong men, and that’s just the common denominator of the whole mess. I regret spending/wasting time with a lot of these guys, but I can’t regret my second marriage because my two wonderful daughters are my prize for sticking with it. I should have ended it sooner however. I definitely regret all the years I thought the marriage could be fixed and floated in limbo, taking no action to help myself move on.
I like to imagine that if I’d been single in my 40s I would have had a great romance and met my life partner, though that’s probably false. I would have simply made stupid dating decisions all that time too. Ugh, thinking about all this is an emotional drain… plus it’s all fantasy. I did what I did and here I am. The only thing to do is to slog on…