Tag Archives: erotica

On Sex and Poetry

Here’s a weird thing that I may have discussed before, but I don’t recall because Alzheimers, so we will go through it again.

Me and my two commenters, that is. (Rude.)

When I began writing a suspense novel, no one asked me if I’d ever committed a murder or had one attempted on me. No one asked if there had been any murder incidences among close friends or family members. People assumed the story was fictional, which of course it was. (BWAHAHAHA fools.)

But when I write a romance/erotica story I invariably get someone going uh duh is that YOU? Are you writing from experience heh heh heh? Gah, so annoying. At least when I wrote the crazy dragon thing no one asked that. But why not? I don’t understand why no one asked if I’d had sex with a dragon or at least an alligator. Weirddd.

But I write a threesome and it’s all BAM… did you do that??? Like I have enough imagination to write about a freaking dragon but not two chicks getting it on with some dude. Nope nope. I must have been one of them.

And poetry… geez, give me a break. Poems can be totally fictional, hello! Mine mostly are, though I do sometimes eat avocados.

Mmm avocado…

It’s all lies and guacamole around here, my peeps. Trust me, I’m a liar.

SL&G

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Not So Purrfect

OK, so in my continuing mission to read various sub-genres of romance novels, and blab about them to y’all, I recently finished an adult shape-shifter story. If you recall (and why wouldn’t you?), I previously reviewed a young adult dragon shifter story and to my surprise enjoyed it quite a bit.

Not so the case with Her Purrfect Match by Milly Taiden. Gawd, what a pile of dreckage. Where to begin?

1. Loads of errors. I realize that we can’t all afford an editing service, but geez it’s awfully distracting to have screw-ups throughout. (Plus Taiden is a very popular Amazon author, with 363 reviews on HPM alone, so you would think… )

2. No attempt at explaining how the tiger-peeps came to exist or how they shape-shift, what it feels like to the shifter, how an observer experiences it, etc. In the dragon story, I felt the wings stretching under the skin and the emotional conflict associated with shifting. Here? Nothing. Just bam, he’s a tiger now.

3. There was nothing “tigery” or even weird about the guy when human. He was simply an Alpha male who liked a lot of hot sex in the usual ways. So, why bother with tigerness at all?

4. Author uses tigerness as a lame excuse for the usual noncommittal sex men like to engage in, with the only twist that Tigerman needs to reproduce because enemies, or whatever thing. Again, there is no reason for him to be part tiger. He is just an ordinary jerk, until of course he is REFORMED BY LURVE.

5. The heroine is annoyingly insecure about her “curves” and also super-dumb in much of the book. Forex, she doesn’t catch on that she actually stumbled onto the man she’d been shifter-matched up with even after he keeps giving tiger cues. I wanted to smack her. Duh! It’s him! The guy! TIGER DUDE.Ugh.

So, while I am a tiny bit curious about the heroine’s friend who gets matched with two wolf-shifters, I think I’ll pass.

(TWO WOLVES! Polywolfism. Is that a thing?)

Tiger snadwich

Novelist Fail

This is an interesting piece about someone who tried really hard to market a romance novel and totally failed. We hear so much about the successes (such as the one mentioned in the article), which I am not always sure are 100% true. Like did someone really make a fortune writing about dino sex? Super hard to believe. Regardless, the pieces on supposedly astronomical sales of some crazy thing are published regularly because people like to read them. Some of us get inspired by them.

But it’s also true that misery loves company, so when I read Jowita’s account of how she had a completed RN, maybe not perfectly following the formula but close enough, designed a cover, promoted herself on Twitter, etc., and sold only $8 worth of books… I felt better. After all, I don’t nearly promote my writing as much as Jowita did and I’ve made a lot more than that.

Still, $30/month is hardly worth spending a gazillion more hours writing my RN’s in progress. I kinda like the idea that I could just stop now and do something else. OTOH, I may finish anything I’ve started because OCD.

In the eternal battle between the impetus to inertia and the compulsion to line up All The Things, the smart money is on… ?

Ketchup

Hai hai howarya? It’s been a while. Hope all is well with my favorite blogpeeps. 

I know Anna Fondant has been busy… check out her latest poast.

I just finished It Ain’t Me, Babe, a super hot, super thrilling story of romance and bikers and cults and gore galore. Sort of like Sons of Anarchy on amphetamines. I told Anna about it and she was all like, DUDE, that inspires me to write a biker-dragon story. Oh yeah, Anna’s been writing dragon romance (what a nut). 

Me, I’m just trudging along writing that book that never ends, it goes on and on my friends… started in nineteen-eighty-nine, to finish would be so fine… but it’s the book that never ends, it goes on and on my friends…

I’ve also been writing dark poetry like a 14 year old, so that’s um er… interesting.

Sadly, I have not tried any new cupcakes, but I did notice something you can put on your list for my birthday next year ~ oooOOOOooo!

No cat pics today. Come back tomorrow. *mwah*

Erotica Review

I read Susie Bright’s Three The Hard Way (Susie presented the three novellas, which were written by different people)… and I was a little surprised that this is considered “erotica.”

I mean, yes, there was sex and a lot of it, but the stories didn’t seem designed to titillate the reader. In fact, the first novella, “The Motion of the Ocean,” was rather gross. None of the sex scenes were arousing; they were scary and sad and desperate and disgusting. But the novella itself was superbly well written and I felt bad when Collette’s story came to an end. I enjoyed it so much I’m going to check out more writing from Tsaurah Litzky.

The next two novellas were written by men… and I didn’t enjoy them as much as Litzky’s. “The Widow” by Greg Boyd had an interesting device ~ sort of a story within a story ~ that was kind of interesting, but the entire thing was a set-up to a predictable ending. Not that this is so terrible (it’s what I expected from erotica), but since I read Litzky’s first, I was hoping for more.

The last story, “Shadow of A Man” by William Harrison, was too political and erratic for me. I wanted to read about love and sex and I got apartheid and death. Wha? OK, there was plenty of sex in there, too, but eh. I couldn’t really care about the main character enough to fully appreciate the story.

The takeaway though is this ~ erotica isn’t necessarily a bunch of mindless sex, as I had thought. There can be plenty of solid, meaty (sorry!) good storytelling along with the more salacious sections.

I’m glad I expanded my horizons here. 🙂

Too Much Barney

Dinoluv

 

 

You let your sweet innocent little girls watch this stuff and the next thing you know they’re writing things like Taken by the Pterodactyl. Well, not MY girls, but someone has been churning out monster erotica (it’s a thing) and slamming it all over Amazon, which isn’t THAT weird, I guess, cuz people will write any sort of crazy crap, but what’s really mind-boggling is that buyers have been totally gobbling up dinopr0n.

Unfortunately just when we find out that it’s a thing, Amazon has declared WAR on it. We can’t have peeps reading dinopr0n cuz it is too gross. Actually, it kinda is ~ just google up images for monster erotica. Yucky. Not to be judgmental or anything, but what a bunch of sicko freakazoids. Readers and writers both. I am not above putting all sorts of keywords here to get hits however.

What?

It is my dream to have the Barney lawyers contact me with a take down demand. I live for that kind of excitement, my peeps.

In the meantime, let us attempt to assign proportionate blame for this oogy mess. Surely the Flintstones must get some for showing people coexisting with dinos, yes? How about that dopey Creation Museum? Those Young Earth peeps must accept some responsibility for the spurt of dinopr0n. Who else?

You’d better check a couple times for that monster under your bed. Eesh!

The Defense Rests

Oh look, it’s yet another article dissing romance novels. (Ghosh offers a tepid “apology” for his diss here ~ he has clearly never read a contemporary romance novel. See my last paragraph about “journalists” who do no research.)

And so many women feel compelled to explain/justify their love of this genre. No one says to men, hey, why do you like watching those explody movies full of gratuitous violence? Or science fiction flicks with goofy aliens. And what about that TV show about zombies everyone loves? Yep, zombies are fine, no need to question anyone’s taste on THAT, but romance novels… now those are suspect.

Most people even accept that men enjoy pr0n. Some women might not like the fact that men enjoy it, but they aren’t puzzled by the idea. It’s not confusing. But people who don’t read romances act confused about women who do read them. “I don’t get it. They’re formulaic. You know how they’ll end.” And so? We always knew Columbo would get the bad guy, yet we liked watching him anyway.

I’m not sure why people have such a problem with romance novels. If you don’t like ’em, don’t read ’em. It’s fairly simple. I dislike all science fiction except the original Star Trek, so I avoid it. That works. I have no interest in any zombie type stuff, so I don’t read or watch it. No problem there. But people who don’t read romances seem to feel a burning need to continually diss the genre.

Beyond that, we have the explainers and the analyzers. Must don Freudian cap and tell you vhy you like zeeze books. You had a strained relationship wiss your fadder, yes? Zomg. SHADDAP.

You know what the problem is? Too many fucking “journalists” and not enough topics. Every week these explainer dorks are scrambling for something to write about, but they don’t go out and actually experience anything, interview anyone, take photos, etc. They just yabber away from their armchairs and make shit up. Hopefully something annoying that people will click on so they’ll see some dumb ad.  Many are still sailing in the faint breeze from that Fifty Shades book  and trying to make a penny off discussing erotica erm blah yip yap SEX whatever.

Leave us alone and let us enjoy our bodice rippers in peace.

My First Time

Now this was weird ~ I rarely read HuffPo because their format drives me nuts, but I followed a link or three and ended up at this sex scene article (shocker!). It  was about the first sex scene that romance writers remember reading ~ and the first one listed was The Flame and the Flower by Kathleen Woodiwiss. This was, amazingly enough, my first romance novel sex scene. Note that I qualify this, as I’d read plenty of sex before that, but none of it was as romantic as Captain Brandon having his men go out and get him a hooker, come back with Heather by mistake, and then once she’s in his cabin … well, I’m not sure what happened anymore. I was 14 when I read it (and liked it) and people are now calling that sex scene a rape. I guess it was.

Or was it? Brandon thought she was a quiet, shy hooker. He had no intention of raping anyone. She was too scared to speak up. I don’t know. In any case, it all worked out, as things do. In romance novels. Sorry for the spoiler if you wanted to be surprised.

Moving on. Almost Heaven by Judith McNaught is mentioned next, and would you believe I’ve read that too? I bet you do believe it. I barely remember this novel though. McNaught’s characters and um plots tend to meld together in my mind. I enjoyed the books while I read them, and there were plenty of good sex scenes, but they don’t stay with me the way others do. What do I remember from AH? A scene where Elizabeth is testifying on Ian’s behalf in front of the House of Lords saying “he has no peers.” That’s pretty much it.

McNaught is hugely successful so far be it for me to say she has a problem, but I’m going to anyway. She comes up with these totally contrived situations based on misunderstandings of words and half-glimpses of scenes. “They” tell you not to do this, which only shows you that it’s possible to break the rules and sell a zillion books, yet … why not write better ones regardless? It’s fine to have your characters jump to a conclusion because of fear or jealousy, that’s a standard device, but it has to be earned by what’s already happened and who they are. In Whitney, My Love, there was no plot whatsoever, just misunderstandings one after another, and the protagonists stomping off in a huff, only to make up pages later. Ridiculous. But it was a bestseller.

Back to HuffPo ~ there was a sex scene in Jane Eyre? LOL.

Shades of Grey

I haven’t read the book(s). Though there is a side issue, raised by Julia Molony, which is that romance novels in general (and their sluttier cousins erotica) have been “hijacked” by consumerism. As though it’s not bad enough for women to be swooning over impossibly handsome men with bulging muscles, rapier wit, and the ability to read our minds and bodies at every moment, we also are swept away in rapture by the size of their enormous … wallets.

This disturbs Ms. Molony. If it’s not some glittering duke in his obnoxiously huge castle (with a swanky townhouse in London, natch) or a swaggering hunk of a pirate captaining the largest ship on the seas, it’ll be a ruthless CEO in an Armani suit slitting the financial throats of his competitors. Why can’t heroes be math teachers or cable guys or pharmacists? Must they always supplement their mad bedroom skillz with gifts of expensive jewelry and luxury cars and tropical trips for their ladylurves?

Oh, I don’t know, Julia. Why doesn’t Playboy ever have a 45 year old overweight centerfold? It’s so bothersome…

Actually she’s wrong. Like many writers these days, she has to find something to complain about to get an article published and bashing romance novels is always popular. In fact, there are plenty of ordinary guys in romances. Cops are a big fave and last I heard, they don’t make zillions of dollars. The novel I have slated to read next features a hunky Idaho veterinarian who is holding a kitten on the book cover (he’s bare-chested, so this is very brave). In 27 Dresses the actual hero Kevin was a struggling journalist.

So yeah, there are insanely wealthy men featured in some romance/erotica lit. And there are normal middle class heroes in other books. (True, you probably won’t find the unemployed drug addict. That’s a different genre.) And while back “in the day” romances did over-feature the 17 year old impossibly beautiful slim goddess virgin heroine, that isn’t true now either. You’ll find older women, heavier women, women who’ve been married and divorced, with kids, with problems, et cetera. There are a lot of books out there ~ all kinds of shades of grey, as it were. But sure, take a few and do your selection bias, Julia.

Well, I don’t care anymore what people think of romances/erotica. It’s one of the hottest markets and not easy to break into, despite the piles of trash out there. But that’s true for any genre and even “literary fiction.” This is why I’m thinking of going the self-pub route, for both romance and my other stuff. I work full-time and writing will always be a hobby, not a career, so I don’t want to spend much of my free time on researching various publishing houses, fretting over query letters, making submission/rejection charts, etc. I just want to write when I’m in the mood to write. That’s it.

Few Writing Noodles

Some peeps were discussing self-pub and a friend just did his on Smashwords. I bought and downloaded his short story, which was available on a variety of formats, including plain old PDF (very convenient!). This worked out well and I recommend. It was easy and fast as a customer to sign up for an account and make a purchase ~ this is way, way important. Oh and you may want to keep your adult filter on, just saying. And I never say this.

If you write erotica and are thinking of self-pub, you may want to explore venues other than Amazon ~ an article came up in my Google reader accusing Amazon of censoring erotica titles. According to Ms. Kitt, her books don’t appear under “all departments;” you have to search for them specifically. And while Amazon can do as they like, Ms. Kitt received no warning of this change. I don’t know how erotica titles would come up in a search on Smashwords or other publishing sites, so erotica writers would have to research that. I also don’t know if my romance novels would be considered erotica ~ my feeling is that they probably would not. Also, apparently you can’t er sub-categorize by microgenre on Amazon in erotica, as you do with other fiction, thus directing readers right to your spanking stories, or whatever. This is a problem. Yes, I just made up microgenre in a snark attack. Sue me.

Here’s an essay on HuffPo regarding “unnecessary” romance in young adult novels. I don’t read YA, but the essay resonated with me because so many times I pick up a promising romance novel and the protags are well-written, but the plot is poor. There has to  be a reason for the hero and heroine to meet, fall in love, and be separated (physically and/or emotionally), but it’s a shame when the writer shovels in a complex murder mystery that borders on the ridiculous. Not every romance needs a James Bondesque level of intrigue! Most writers can’t do it well, plus there isn’t enough time to focus on resolving all that and also doing enough character development, as Ms. Vail states in her article.

That’s all for now. Enjoy the weekend!