Tag Archives: dating

TSAONGAF 1

pointless meanderings

TSAONGAF is the abbreviation for Mark Manson’s self-help book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. I’ve read MM’s articles with some regularity, and last week I read his bestselling book. It was a great experience for me and I learned a lot. As I said earlier, I’m going to blog about some of my thoughts on his various concepts.

What does MM mean by not giving a f*ck? He points out that most of us are wrapped up in caring about so many things that we feel perpetually entitled to a perfect world and freak out when things don’t go how we want. I guess you could say that our giving f*cks too freely has turned us into a bunch of whiny Karens. MM suggests we drill down to our basic values (and change them if they aren’t working for us), and then find the few, important things to focus on. “Let the little things go.” We’ve heard that before, right?

Obsessing over way too many unimportant details has been a huge problem for me my whole life. I can’t simply decide not to and that’s that. “Don’t do that” is a negative statement, and when you focus on a negative, well, you know what happens. “Don’t eat potato chips”… now all you can think about are potato chips. I’ve been trying to substitute the negative statements with positive ones. Focus on work. Pay attention to family. Engage in self-care routines. Get more sleep and exercise. Read more books.

Focusing on these positives has had the effect of pushing some of the trivial crap away. It really does work. I don’t have time (or the inclination) to engage in social media arguments (a huge source of past stress) when I’m in the middle of a good book. If I’m filling my time with pleasurable activities, I’m less inclined to click on a new dating site “just to see.” I know that leads down a bad path. I can step back now. It’s a bit harder in some areas, such as driving ~ I still get enraged when someone does a dangerous maneuver. What does MM say about that?

It’s okay for life to suck sometimes, is what he says. We are not entitled to a perfect life, and there’s no need to feel inadequate when something fails to be perfect. So I had a frustrating drive to Los Angeles. That’s just how it is some days and it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me or the way I’m living my life. Sometimes traffic is sucky and frustrating. That’s okay. I literally had this ridiculous conversation in my head the other week. I was so stupid for letting my daughter go to UCB. She had a full ride to UCD and wouldn’t have met her future husband there probably. I’d have more money now and wouldn’t have to make this horrible drive when I want to see her. God, I’m so dumb!

But then I got to her house (a half hour later than expected) and had such a great time with my family. I’m not “dumb” because there was a detour and some other drivers were being rude and awful. It’s okay for things to suck sometimes. I’m not entitled to perfection. It’s hard though to keep that mindset all the time… I’m constantly reminding myself to stay positive and not dwell on small annoyances. Being positive is more of a habit now than it used to be though, so I am improving. Slowly.

Okay, that’s the end of this PoiMo. I’ll do more MM musing another time. 🙂

~*~

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Image originally found on Pixabay.

Bingo Update 11

Read previous update here.

For the bestseller book, I read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson. I loved Manson when he was much less popular… found him early on when he gave mostly dating advice. Then I began to resent him. Who was this brash young guy (obviously privileged) telling everyone all this crap? And making bank off it. I quit reading him for a few years. But he was still around ~ peeps were always quoting him. Annoyed, I developed a conspiracy theory that he wasn’t even a real person but a character created by a publishing team. That still could be true… who knows.

Then my FB friend Barbara linked to one of his articles when I was depressed. I clicked. Whatever I read that day (don’t remember now) helped me so much that I subscribed to his blog by email. I grudgingly began to admire him again, so much so that I finally bought his book TSAONGAF. I didn’t read it until this challenge however.

Mark’s book is truly amazing. It’s a joy to read because he speaks to you as a friend, not as a high and mighty shrink. He admits to messing up in many areas before he began to view life much differently. He says he too is always growing and learning, and he doesn’t act like he has all the answers. He uses examples from his own life to illustrate his points, which makes his writing feel real and down to earth. Maybe the examples are made up, but regardless they are a great device to draw you in to the topic of each chapter.

My plan is to discuss in detail some of the TSAONGAF concepts that resonated the most with me in Pointless Meanders as time permits. That’s not a substitute for reading it yourself… I already feel better having finished it, and I highly recommend it in its entirety. ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Two left! 📚

PS: I have no idea what happened with my phone’s pens, but I couldn’t find the right one for the checkmark, hence the slash.

~*~

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Image from Kriti and Ariel.

Breakup Songs [MLM]

Jim Adams does a great job in discussing Greg Kihn’s motivation in writing “The Breakup Song,” which has long been on my list of favorites. It illustrates the depression aspect of the grief someone can feel after the end of a relationship. The narrator is sad as he watches couples dancing together while he sits alone. “And now I’m staring at the bodies as they’re dancing so slow…”

Slow dance

No Doubt’s “Don’t Speak” (written by Gwen Stefani and Eric Stefani) is also a homage to the sadness we feel as someone leaves us. We’re tired of talking about the inevitable, wasting more useless words that failed to mend things. Just go. Don’t explain further. “And I don’t need your reasons; Don’t tell me ’cause it hurts…”

But sometimes we feel more anger than sadness, right? There are a lot of breakup songs that explore the angry aspect of grief. A perfect example of this is “You Oughtta Know” by Alanis Morissette (with Glen Ballard co-writing). She’s steaming mad! She sarcastically wishes her ex happiness with his new girlfriend. “And I’m here, to remind you of the mess you left when you went away…”

Angry roar

Hank Williams’ “Your Cheatin’ Heart” is another angry song. He fantasizes how his ex will end up miserable same as he is now. “When tears come down like falling rain, You’ll toss around and call my name.” We want to believe our exes will end up sorry they dumped us, don’t we?

Denial is another aspect of grief we may feel as our world crashes around us. Eric Clapton’s “Promises” is about this concept. (Brandon Casey and others are listed as the writers.) At the beginning of the song, Eric says to his ex that he doesn’t care if she never comes home “’cause I don’t love you and you don’t love me.” He discusses why it’s better they’re apart and that’s fine. But by the end, he admits he would still love her if she’d love him back.

Billy Joel’s “An Innocent Man” is about denial. Look, he knows she’s in pain and couldn’t deal with a relationship, but none of that is his fault. It’s all due to her exes and baggage. He’s willing to explore that with her, but remember… he didn’t do anything! “And although this is a fight I can lose, the accused is an innocent man.” As we know, however, it takes two…

Innocent man angel

What about bargaining? Yep, we also find this aspect of grief represented in song. “Baby Come Back” by Player is an example of bargaining (written by John Crowley and Peter Beckett). He begins by pretending he’s fine and having fun alone (denial), but soon he admits he is miserable and wants her back. “Baby come back, you can blame it all on me; I was wrong, and I just can’t live without you.” If only she’d give him another chance, he’ll take the blame for the things that went wrong. (How many times have we heard this though? 🤣)

“We Can Work It Out” by the Beatles (written by Lennon and McCartney) is another good example of bargaining. Just give us a chance, he pleads. He goes on to mansplain about how life is short and there’s no time for fighting, okay? Just see things his way, for cryin’ out loud. Geez!

Mansplaing to woman

Then there’s acceptance. You know it’s over and you accept it, even if you’re still sad or mad. You’ve quit denying nothing is wrong and you’ve stopped bargaining for a re-do. It’s done and you have to move on. How about “Last Song” by Edward Bear? (Larry Evoy wrote it.) He’s still sad, but he’s done writing songs about her and done hoping she’ll return. “This is hard for me to say, but this is all that I can take.” Yeah. Enough!

Finally, one of my favorite songs about coming to terms with a breakup is Roxette’s “It Must Have Been Love” written by Per Hakan Gessle). “It was all that I wanted; now I’m living without. It must have been love, but it’s over now.”

Woman and path in woods

On our way down a new path…

These songs illustrate the 5 stages of grief: anger, denial, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. The stages can last a long time, and you can experience them in any order, including revisiting some you thought were finished. Emotions aren’t linear! And there are many other feelings that can occur too. Guilt, shame, fear, etc. I read that Elisabeth Kubler-Ross developed the 5-stage model to help explain the process of grieving over the death of a loved one. They may not apply as well to the end of a romance (and are apparently out of “scientific” favor altogether, but like whatever). I think they do help to illustrate the roller-coaster of emotions that can plague some of us when a relationship dies.

I hope you enjoyed reading this relatively long post written for Mindlovemisery. It was yet another insomnia-fueled ramble.

Please feel free to add your favorite breakup songs in comments. 💔

~*~

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Images from Pexels and Pixabay.

TOOBA Time

First, I give big thanks to both Rory and Sadje for thinking of me for this award! 😍❤️😘 I really appreciate it. Next, like many here, I do not follow the rules of these award posts. I’m not posting the rules and I’m not tagging peeps or writing new questions. If you want to grab these (some or all, feel free). I consider all my readers worthy of an award for spending time on my posts. Finally, I’m not linking back to the site where this award originated because that’s just giving someone blog views when they haven’t done anything. Also, I don’t see this image anywhere on their site, so idk where it came from.

Questions from Rory:

1. Did you live an adventurous young adult life as in between your later teens to you early thirties and if you did what was your life style like …

No.

2. …… if you didn’t what was your lifestyle like?

I was boring, like now. I’ve never been particularly adventurous. My lifestyle was about working, finishing college, getting married, starting a family. Back then, I watched a lot more TV.

3. What was the riskiest date you ever went on and why?

Probably driving up to Hollywood from Irvine in freaking rush hour to meet this gross man who liked my writing and was allegedly in “the biz” and said he would help me. When he realized I wasn’t attracted to him, he became angry.

4. How big a child are you still?

Not much, though I can be silly with kids and they like me. I’m a serious person though and not very spontaneous.

5. What will you simply not do for money OR is that question easier to answer favourably reflective upon the sum of actual money offered?

How much are we talking about? 🤣

Bitmoji with cash

Questions from Sadje:

A. Which is your favorite dish to cook?

I like making a big mishmash of sautéed veggies with pasta.

B. What new skills you have acquired in last three months?

FaceTime and Zoom 😜

C. What scares you the most, (person or thing)?

Other drivers.

D. Are you able to fix technical problems on you devices?

Not if they go beyond restarting.

E. What is your preferred way of traveling?

Hologram.

F. If you are asked to donate on of your five senses, which one would you choose?

Smell.

G. How do you like to dress, trendy or comfy?

Like my Bitmoji!

Bitmoji in comfy chair with book

~*~

Images from Bitmoji.

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Bloggerz 2

12 silly eggs

Guess who is back with a dozen silly questions for us? Yep, you got it. The Blokey Guy aka Rory! Let’s get to it, shall we… I haven’t got all night.

  1. How spontaneous are you? Great question. I’m very fun and spontaneous, as long as I have a teensy bit of advance notice, say like 2 weeks.
  2. How flirtatious would you say you are and if that is not the word you would use then try the alternatives of ‘teasing or playful’ either way – how much are you of this? I’m loads of this as well, though perhaps I might use the word snarky or bitchy, but a rose is a rose, eh? 🌹
  3. How serious are you as a person? Welp, I would say I’m more serious as a person than I am as a kangaroo.
  4. Do you think the older we become certain emotions are easier to handle – say as an example ‘grief?’ Yes, especially when we can’t even remember what the hell happened the day before. That’s helpful.
  5. What is the most adventurous thing you have done to date? Probably dating a married man was pretty adventurous, and that worked out as well as you would expect. 💔
  6. What’s the craziest or riskiest thing you have ever done and simply got away with it or gotten caught doing it? Way way back when, I both took and gave rides from/to strangers. Don’t do this, kids.
  7. What do you think the future is of dating and other ‘other’ now that social distancing has become part of your life? Irrelevant, since I no longer date or do any other othering either.
  8. How different do you really think you are to the next person – are you prim and proper, or straight laced and serious, wild and abandoned or rebellious and controversial? I think I’m average/middle-of-the-road in almost all areas, except I can be alone for vast amounts of time and be fine (though I miss my family in this horrid lockdown). In fact, being overly social makes me exhausted and depressed, which seems different from what most people report.
  9. During this time of global concern how has your thinking changed with regards the planet, conservation, climate issues… or has it not changed one little bit? I’ve always been in favor of minimizing our pollution levels and finding ways to avoid destroying animals and their habitats. 🌎
  10. What ‘topical issues’ considered ‘taboo’ by society are you deeply passionate with and about to the point of doing something about it? None really. Just leave people alone to do as they will as long as they aren’t harming anyone else. Oh, I guess I’m a fan of internet reform, which no one likes, but I’m too lazy to do anything about it. If I were in charge, I’d likely disallow anonymity and multiple accounts. One account, per person, traceable across platforms. No trolling or sock puppets or other shenanigans used for evil purposes.
  11. What’s more important and or is there a difference between ‘Friendship and Companionship’ and if so what is that difference? There are levels to friendship for sure, from basic acquaintances to coworkers to peeps you want to hang out with in your free time. And then there are other people, maybe just a few, or only one, with whom you have a special connection (not talking romantic, though it could be)… someone who “gets” you and with whom you can easily share your feelings and experiences, knowing you won’t be judged or mocked or criticized. But also someone who shares things with you in return, so you feel you aren’t just taking but giving as well. This is what I consider companionship, beyond friendship. I don’t really have it in my life now, just sporadic friendship when people aren’t busy with other things, and I’m okay with that.
  12. What is your passion with regards writing genres – (1) what is your chosen genre and (2) what is the genre you might like to write about but lack confidence to start? I’ve written lots of romance and a little erotica, bunches of poetry, and a political romance. I’ve begun a few mysteries and “literary fiction” type works as well. Finished some shorter pieces in those genres. Dabbled in a bit of sci-fi too. As I keep saying, I’m working on a mystery/love story called Ghosted, which will be finished… at some point. Lack of confidence to write in a genre I haven’t tried before does not seem to be an issue for me. 🤣

~*~

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Image found on eBay.

Questions a la Di

Hotel Irvine and candy pink clouds

My posting has been a bit sparse lately. A few reasons. I’ve rejoined Facebook, even though it’s horrible. I’m just lonely in this endless isolation and couldn’t resist the re-connection with my peeps there. Also, I’ve been having trouble sleeping and that’s messed up my creativity. I haven’t felt the urge to write much poetry or flash fiction during the lockdown, since I’m so zoned out. I may end up doing more question type posts or “meanders” for a while.

Di @ Pensitivity101 offered these…

1.  Do you cloud watch?

Yes, I love to look at the sky. It’s beautiful, just as the ocean is. Now, I don’t know the names of the types of clouds or formations of stars, but that doesn’t stop me from taking photos and googling stuff for poems. Actually, this is a good time of year for pretty sunsets here at the California coast. I should go outside sometime again and see. The pic of the Hotel Irvine was taken a few years ago.

2. What is your biggest failure in the kitchen?

Where to begin? I accidentally spilled so much pepper into a veal dish once that I had a tummy ache for a week (my ex was fine with the pepper veal). I brought spicy noodles to a gathering of (mostly) elderly people and no one would eat them. They were pretty spicy! I didn’t have time to bake chocolate chip cookies for a man I was dating and he dumped me. Later he said that the lack of cookies made him feel that I didn’t care about him. 😥

3.  Do you prefer a shower or bath, bubbles or lotion?

Shower only.

4. What do you do to calm yourself when angry?

The best thing for me is to get away from whatever is causing it and go home so I feel safe. Usually I would want to make hot tea, cuddle up in my jammies, and think about what happened. Hopefully I’d be able to talk to one of my daughters about it too.

5. Eggs now: do you prefer them scrambled, boiled, poached, fried or in an omelette?

Depends on my mood. Probably a cheese omelette is my favorite, or eggs scrambled with some shredded cheese in them. I like some sautéed mushrooms with either.

It’s 1:42am and I wish I could go to sleep…

~*~

Image is mine.

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Bloggerz

1. Where is your usual location for meeting friends?

Before the lockdown, we used to have dinner at various local restaurants a couple times per month, and usually once a month there was a game night at someone’s home.

2. What is your favourite time of the day and has it changed recently due to current events?

I have become an “afternoon person.” I usually have the most energy then and feel my best. This has gradually changed from being a “morning person” over the past decade.

3. What do you find embarrassing to talk or write about?

[Or do you not suffer with this?]

I’ve quit discussing in depth how I’ve failed at every romantic relationship or attempt thereof. It’s not really all their fault.

4. What will you NEVER write about?

I don’t write much about work.

[Why?]

Because.

5. Do you ever read erotic fiction or exotic literature of another kind?

I used to, but it’s become tedious unless it’s part of a real story, which it usually isn’t.

6. How confident are you about …. you?

It varies. I know we’re supposed to say RAH RAH CONFIDENT! But that’s BS. Everyone makes mistakes, including me. I recognize them and I apologize for them. I don’t see others doing so much of this, so in a weird, twisted way, this makes me feel superior. I’m so cool with myself and my imperfect humanness that I can say hey I’m gonna screw up again and that’s okay. I see others strutting around with their memes and their fragile egos calling everyone else “stupid” for disagreeing with anything, and I smirk at them. Oo rant! 😜

7. Do you think in today’s digital climate with social media and so on … that people have too much to say and that they should be quieter or that people still are not talking enough?

They should definitely STFU… so they could hear what I have to say. I mean, really! 🤣

8. Do you censor your own writing before publishing?

[As in prevent yourself from writing or expressing certain things the way you really want to?]

Well, duh. If I didn’t, everything would be a rant.

9. If you weren’t already you upon waking to a new day, who would you want to be the next time you wake up?

[Why?]

Someone without headaches and other chronic pain! 😡

10. Have you done everything with your life you set out to when younger or are there still things you wish to achieve?

No. I meant to find my soul mate or life partner or however you wish to term the person you feel good sharing everything with, but I failed at that, and it was the most important thing. Raising great kids was also important, but now they’re on their own and I’m alone. 😢

11. What do you use when creating your blog posts and what would you sing the praises of with regards the creation of written content as opposed to a desktop or a laptop?

[If you do use a Desktop or a Laptop please also let me know]

Mostly the WordPress app for iPhone.

12. Do you give your readership what they want or what they need? What do you as a content writer and creator get from that for you?

I write what I want. I don’t know what my readers need. They seemed to enjoy dating stories, but I don’t have any more.

~*~

Written for Rory’s 12 Bloggerz.

Images from Bitmoji.

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Volleyball [A-Z]

Sunset beach volleyball

Note: I’m doing the April A-to-Z challenge without signing up or linking back to the main site.

Volleyball traumatized me. We played it a lot in grade school and I was terrible at it, as I was at all sports. But vball was worse than the others. First, I have small, thin wrists and they’ve always been weak, so naturally I am no good at serving the ball or spiking it or doing anything at all. So, no captain wanted me on their team (which was true for every gym activity). Second, I’ve always had poor balance and timing, which is super unfortunate for vball. Third, it seemed like the ball was constantly attracted to my head, as it kept colliding with it! At the time I wondered if other kids were deliberately aiming the ball at me and pretending it was a mistake or a bad serve, but probably not.

Anyway. Years passed {newspapers ruffle} and there I was post-divorce trying my luck on dating sites. For a while, a lot of men were interested in me, before I turned 55, which apparently is the end of desirability. I say that not to fish for compliments, but to explain why I was picky. Take this one guy B. He and I dated for about a month, and we got along really well, but I dumped him.

B played volleyball for fun, which was fine, but he was very competitive and did it several times per week. I remembered my horrible vball experiences and thought meh… I don’t really wanna be with a guy who is so into volleyball. Besides that, he didn’t like other type of games. I was sad to think I could never bring B to a game night with my friends. At the time, this seemed important; now, of course, it seems absurd. There were other minor issues that made me think I could “do better,” but I didn’t… and here I am alone.

At the moment, when there are no game nights and no volleyball tournaments… it feels like a mistake to have tossed away a chance at a relationship with someone who really liked me and who was kind and sweet and funny and very cute. 😢

Please tune in Monday when I will blog about Werewolf.

~*~

Image credited to Glow City.

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

FPQ66: Second Chances

Fandango’s provocative question

Fandango provocatively asks…

Do you believe in giving people second chances? If so, why? If not, why not?

My short answer: no, because people don’t change and they will do the thing again.

But now please allow me to elaborate for a baZillion paragraphs. 🤣 First, the entire context of the question is: “This got me thinking about second chances, as in when someone has seriously ‘done you wrong,’ and then asks you to forgive them for whatever it is that they did.”

Okay, so we’re not talking about simple errors here, which in general are easily forgiven; these are serious mistakes. Second, the person asks for forgiveness, which is important. But it’s also important how they ask. Do they give one of those disgustingly offensive non-apologies in the form of “I am sorry if you were offended?” If you ever read/hear one of those, stop the person right there and inform them that this is not an apology.

An apology takes the form: “I am sorry I,” never ever “I am sorry you” or “I am sorry if you.” Those are weasel statements. Do not accept a weasel statement! 😡 Sorry I had to rant about this yet again, but it’s my hugest peeve! 😱

All right. So, a person has seriously done me wrong and gives me a good apology, asking for a second chance… what now? In the past, I’d be inclined to say yes, even a third time, but this was always a mistake. Never did it work in my favor. Why not? Because as I said at the start, people don’t change (very rarely). So, whatever thing they did was likely to happen again in a similar form.

And it’s not just other people who don’t change… I am also a person. Hello! No, it’s true, I swear. I don’t change either! What does this mean? Well, a few things. One, it is hard for me to trust people in the first place, so after the bad thing/sorry/forgive, it’s pretty much impossible for me to truly forget that I’m with a person who did That Thing. I can laugh and have fun with the person I forgave, but lurking very close by with the door cracked open is Suspicious Monster peeking out, waiting.

Green monster

Second, forgiveness doesn’t have to mean a return to the former relationship, does it? You can forgive someone and give them a second chance at a friendship, but that doesn’t mean you have to marry or date them, right? Or you can accept someone back into a circle of friends without being best friends like you once were. There are people with a very all or nothing view of this though, and they do tend to be angry men, from what I’ve experienced. Why go through this hassle?

So, that’s the long version of no. Of course, there are always exceptions and mitigating circumstances, such as if someone didn’t know something or bla bla. But those are rare. And my kids always get forgiven no matter what, without asking, not that they ever do anything wrong. 💖

~*~

Images credited to Fandango and Pixabay.

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Give Up Already Geez [socs]

Amirite Bitmoji

Practice makes perfect? Who came up with that? The golf course owners association? Hah! I’ve been blogging for a long time… I probably have one of the oldest blogs in our community of blogs (not to mention the blogs I had before that), and yet I’m far from perfect by the usual standards. I was on dating sites for years, and not only didn’t I get good at dating, I would argue that I became worse at it as time went by. I love crafts, but they’re too expensive and stress my aging eyes and aching hands. So, do I keep spending money on new ones and struggle to create some fancy thing? Um nope… I’m done. Gave up a while back.

In fact, I’d say that in some cases, slogging away at a task you have no aptitude for or have lost all skill at, for whatever reason, is a terrible idea. You’re probably not going to get better at it. Practicing and failing is going to make you feel disheartened and discouraged. Why not give up and try something else? There are so many things in the world! Maybe the next hobby or sport you attempt will be the one that fits you. Your efforts will be rewarded and you’ll feel proud and happy. 🎉

Or just keep banging your head against the wall. Like whateverrr… okay… fine 🙄

Oh the reason I keep blogging? For the love of writing, not stats or ad revenue. When I measure success in words, not in money or subscriber counts… all is good. 💖

~*~

Image credited to Bitmoji.

©️2020 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.