Tag Archives: dating

Red Flag [flash 200]

Olivia felt happy about her date tonight so far. Andy seemed like a perfect gentleman. He’d brought her a lovely red rose and was a wonderful conversationalist throughout dinner.

As they left the table, Olivia made sure to notice how generous Andy was to their waiter, so unlike the miserly man she’d dated previously.

“So, Olivia,” Andy said as he drove her home. “It’s neat that you like to sketch and hike, but I should tell you I’m a storm chaser.”

Olivia was eager to learn something new and participate too. “What’s that? It sounds fun!”

He laughed. “Well, I certainly think it’s fun! Exhilarating might be a better word. My group and I watch for upcoming weather events, the bigger the better. Hurricanes, tsunamis, cyclones, you name it. And we try to get to the vicinity if we can.”

“Ookay.” Olivia felt puzzled. “But why?”

“To feel alive!” Andy moved his hands around his head, pantomiming the swirling motion of a tornado.

“I see,” she said, though she didn’t really. “But isn’t it dangerous?”

Andy nodded, his dark eyes glittering. “Sure. Last year one of our group died in a brutal blizzard. He got a great video first though.”

~*~

Can’t You Take A Joke?

Laura posted a great checklist earlier of things to be alert for in the gaslighting game. I assume by now everyone has heard of this concept since it’s been trending for a while, in particular as one of the favorite techniques of the narcissist. Not all bad guys fit the entire description though ~ some may do only a few things to keep you feeling off-balance about the relationship.

I wanted to share an example of someone who did one thing in particular. After about 6 months of being charming and gentlemanly, this guy Tony began to tell edgier jokes. He knew I was Jewish, and he began to tease me about it, and/or saying something rude about Israel, hoping I’d argue with him, which I did not want to do.

I don’t like any ethnic humor whatsoever. I don’t find it funny or okay at all. It makes me cringe. But what Tony would do is make jokes about his own Italian background, goading me to join in. I didn’t want to do that either. I think, to Tony, if he got me to make Italian jokes, he’d then have a free pass to do more Jewish (and whatever else) humor. I was holding him back.

But I wouldn’t go along. It mostly wasn’t an issue, but every once in a while Tony would troll me, and I’d get annoyed. He’d tell me to joke back at him, but I refused. Then he’d complain that I didn’t get his New York sense of humor. Dude. I’m from New York. My father and grandpa did not tell ethnic jokes. Why? Because they weren’t jerks, hello.

Anyway, this one night he was in a mood. He started in on Israel and Jews, and he said something really antisemitic. I said hey that’s over the line. Then he got quiet, paid for dinner, and we went home. Later I sent an email to say hi, and he replied that I had made him feel bad. I reminded him that he was the one who crossed the line. He said I was making him feel bad about himself and of course I should know he never meant anything by these jokes. I needed to lighten the hell up. All this was my fault.

This is how you know the gaslight is on:

1. He did something wrong, but

2. You are being blamed for it.

He is a racist, but the problem is really that you are too sensitive.

He is a drunken bully, but the problem is that your face got in the way of his fist.

He can’t keep a job because he’s irresponsible, but the problem is that your kids need too many sandwiches.

Etc.

Things got better between Tony and me for a while, and he quit making those stupid jokes, but eventually everything fell apart. We were just all wrong for each other. 🙁

Rory’s S’mores

Another Guy Called Bloke Production!

***

At what point in our lives do you think we think we are good enough?

Speaking only for myself… never! I wake every day knowing there are goals to achieve and improvements to make.

***

In life, what do you consider beautiful?

Cats, poetry, art of various forms, nature (flowers, sunsets, birds, butterflies, etc.), and of course my family.

***

Do you think that when we dream, we can dream within a dream? But if you don’t dream, why do you think that is?

Yes, definitely. I have dreamt about dreaming.

***

How do you manage your stress or do you not suffer from stress?

It varies. I don’t handle stress well at all, so I try to eliminate it at the source ~ this is why I gave up dating, where others persevere through unpleasantness. I can’t tolerate the bad. It literally makes me sick. But some things can’t be helped; stuff appears out of the blue. I will get physically ill and have to deal with that. I’ll get migraines and take medicine. My sleep will suffer. Etc. I severely manage down interactions with people so that my stress is minimized.

***

Are there things or maybe just one thing you wish to achieve before you die?

I did want to have success as a writer, but I don’t see that happening. I’m not talented enough, nor do I have the patience to endlessly slog away on a novel anymore when I can get instant feedback via short blog posts.

***

Some experience many things during their lifetimes, but do you think there is something that everyone should experience at least once?

No.

***

Are you afriad to be different? To stand out from the crowd, to push away your peers if needs be and say “I am ME!”

No. I’m more afraid of being one of them, though generally I blend in wherever I go, at least superficially. I realize that sounds contradictory, but it’s not. I blend in just enough so that no one notices/bothers me, and then I get away as fast as I can to be apart from them.

***

Which do you think is easier ‘to hate or to love?’

To hate obviously. Humans are all about forming groups and excluding other humans in order to hate and possibly kill them.

Little Bit of Soul

Soul mates are the stuff of poetry and romance novels, and who doesn’t love a good fairy tale? It’s hard to believe in a soul mate if you don’t believe in souls though; and souls come packaged up with all that other mystical glitter I can’t quite wrap my brain around. Despite my creative forays, my heart is made of math. One of my favorite lines from a romance novel was “she had his number, and it was 666.” I would credit the book and the author if I could remember either, but I can’t. I don’t think I ever dated the devil, just your ordinary liars and narcissists, but that guy wasn’t the devil of course. They never are, in romance novels. No matter what kind of terrible choice the romance novel heroine appears to be making with her wild and crazy attraction, it’s always exactly the right choice. But that’s because we’re writing her story. I have written my own stories, with my own heroes. Perhaps that’s why I’m solo.

Nose & Sose

Another Guy Called Bloke Production…

Talked to a complete stranger about life.

Never! Well, except for my blog blabbing and how I used to blurt stuff out to weird men on dating sites and…

Gone skydiving.

That is a 100% no way!

Got a tattoo.

Also nopety nope.

Had an allergic reaction.

So way. My parents called emergency in Chicago for me because I went into anaphylactic shock. The doctor said his best guess was a bee sting from handling fruit. But we don’t really know.

Cried while watching a movie.

Sure, all the time.

Gotten gum stuck in my hair.

I don’t think so.

Fallen asleep in the sun and gotten burned.

Yep. But not recently ~ I avoid bright sun because it’s a migraine trigger.

Over-plucked my eyebrows.

So way, as a silly teenager.

Been in a haunted house.

Only pretend ones.

Fallen asleep during sex.

I don’t remember.

Wore a whipped cream bikini.

No way.

Been to an “adult store”.

So way. The first time was funny. I went with a girlfriend who was too scared to go in, but I was fearless back then. I went in alone. This was in Wisconsin, I think, and I was 18. But once I was inside I lost my nerve a bit, so I just grabbed two paperback books and bought them. They were dumb, of course.

Felt the presence of “paranormal activity”.

I thought it could have been, but I don’t believe in that, so it wasn’t. It makes for good stories and poetry though.

Asked someone when they were due when they weren’t pregnant.

No way. Never. I avoid commenting on people’s body sizes and looks generally except to give bland compliments.

Seen a sex therapist.

Not as a patient, but I had a date with a man who thought he was one. Lolololol. Yes, another one of my wonderful dating experiences. 🤮

Burst out laughing at a really inappropriate time.

Often have the urge but can usually stifle it.

Called someone the wrong name.

I’m sure I have, but I am pretty good with names.

Walked in on a stranger who was butt naked.

In gym locker rooms, yep.

Said you were minutes away when you haven’t even left the house yet.

No. And it’s sofa king irritating how many Californians say everything is 20 minutes from wherever they are when LITERALLY NOTHING IS 20 MINUTES FROM ANYWHERE!!!!! Gahhh why do I even live here???

Fun questions. 🙄

A Bash

Big bashes aren’t my thing. I’m not bashing bashes ~ in fact, decades back, I had fun at big, loud parties. But as my migraines have become more easily triggered, it’s just not that much fun for me to be in huge crowds. I prefer smaller groups where you can have a meaningful conversation or play a game.

Sometimes people act like this preference is a personality flaw, a thing I should feel abashed about, but why should I get over it? It’s simply a preference. I don’t ask them to quit liking huge, noisy venues; I simply decline the invitation to attend.

I’ve noticed this comes up a lot, that things about me are deemed inferior traits. Maybe that happens to everyone, not just me. I understand it’s how they get you to click on articles and then be subjected to ads. Just this morning (yesterday now, since I’m going to schedule this for Saturday), I read an essay saying that people with the Myers-Briggs type that end in “J” have the most trouble dating. I’m an INFJ.

The article didn’t give us tips on how to deal with being a J. Nope. It said we should work on being not-J. The main trait of the J aspect is a dislike of uncertainty. We are list people. We want plans, and we like things to be settled. What’s wrong with that? Why can’t we focus on meeting someone else who enjoys an orderly life? No! Says the article. Change into a la-la type who is fine with maybes and disorder.

Annoying. The article has disturbed me all day. I can’t even concentrate on this awful Jennifer Aniston romcom I was looking forward to.

Yes, yes, I’m all off-topic now, but no one is actually reading this, so like whatever! My consciousness is streaming, which is the important thing.

Opposites Attract: Challenges 4 & 5

These two challenges are perfect for International Women’s Day! 🌏

So many things have been forbidden to women over the centuries, depending upon the society. Certain professions were not deemed permissible for “the fairer sex.” Only in the last hundred years have women demanded and received the right to vote and manage their own money, here in the USA! It some cultures, it’s not allowable for women to drive or choose their own spouses. 😡

On social media, wherever a woman may be physically located, it’s likely that in cyberspace she has experienced misogynistic bullying and trolling, if not worse. But she is still expected to be pleasant and have a smiling selfie as well as an emotionally generous and forgiving “tone,” lest she be accused of not being feminine. The horror! 😱

Speaking of looks, in the dating arena (yes, we are back to that, pffft), a woman is expected to be fashionable. Men are always jabbering on about women’s looks, even when they say stupid things like they prefer “Mary Ann to Ginger,” as if Mary Ann’s pigtails and non-makeup makeup look didn’t take just as long to style as Ginger’s glam. But supposedly it’s okay for men to obsess about looks because they’re “visual” and can’t help it, but if a woman cares about comfort and security due to her DNA, then she’s a gold-digger, right guys? 🙄

Whatever! I’m just happy to be done with all that, and now I can schlump around in uncool corduroy pants, cozy unstylish sweaters, and all manner of comfy dowdy shoes that aren’t sexy in the least.😜

Opposites Attract: Challenges 2 & 3

Once again, I relate these language challenges to my dating misadventures. I can come across as frivolous at first ~ in fact, I prefer a lighthearted approach to initial conversations. I don’t want to talk about politics or religion on the first date. But that generated a new set of issues, namely that men sometimes assumed I didn’t care that they were bigots or that I had no interest in significant issues. Later, if I brought up meaningful topics, they acted surprised. So, I began talking about more substantial matters early on, even though this made me uncomfortable.

There’s a fine line between being arrogant and being confident, and I confess it took me way too long to figure this out. For decades I was attracted to arrogant men, who were outright obnoxious and emotional bullies at times, mostly as a cover for raging insecurities. I didn’t understand that one can be pleasantly humble, modest, and unpretentious, without being weak and spineless. I get it now. Now that I’m done dating! 😂

Celery [SOCS]

Celery contained magical anti-calories, people thought. If you chomped on these stalks, the energy you expended chewing and digesting them would exceed the number of calories in the celery itself. So, all you had to do is eat celery all day and soon you would be celebrating your new trim and fit figure!

But of course if you kept eating pizza and nachos and milkshakes and candy bars with your stalks, the celery diet didn’t work, and you did not end up looking like your favorite celebrity, unless that celeb was President Taft. 😳

Many crazy diets have come and gone since I read about the magic of celery as a teen. Some girls in my high school went on the 3-3-3 diet: 3 bananas, 3 hot dogs, 3 carrots every day. Very phallic. Why doesn’t my phone know phallic? I must not be writing about enough dicks; I blame my DEXIT.

People have jumped on this keto thing, but we all did the Atkins’ fad way back when. It’s nothing new. We’d order bacon double cheeseburgers and throw away the buns, hon. Sure, you’d lose weight because meat is satisfying and pasta is not, ounce for ounce. Sorry, vegetarians. Also, how much cheese can you eat without barfing? 🤮That is rhetorical.

Then came the 1980s when people decided fat was bad and carbs were good. They threw away their butter and chowed down on bagels the size of dinner plates. Why are we getting so fat, they moaned over their vats of spaghetti.

In the 1990s, I watched other moms load up their kids with constant snacks and juices. I tried not to do that; I had my own ideas about nutrition. But kids grow up and have to make their own choices eventually. I did not like to be Dictator Mom, about food or any other thing, except education, and that philosophy worked out well imo.

One of the things now is to shun prepared foods. Oh, that’s the new boogeyman! 🙄 It’s not that we’ve all been stuffing our faces with way too much food for way too long… it’s that we’re not tra-la-la-ing for hours through farmers’ markets every Saturday for fresh produce, and then spending the rest of the weekend cooking from scratch. The heck with writing books or having hobbies! We’re fat because we haven’t been slaving over a hot stove.

Bullshit. I call BS on all ideas of overweight except one: too many calories nommed up. I don’t care if they come from salad or salami or pasta or papayas. Too many in over time leads to fat layers on our bodies. There’s no magic cure except to eat fewer calories over time.

Personally, I love packaged and prepared foods. For single people who don’t want to buy wastefully in bulk, and who don’t want to spend their free time cooking, they are fabulous. But so is celery ~ and it comes in a package too.

Share Bear 🐻

Sparks has another installment of Share Your World for us today.

^^^ There’s a lil taste of SoCal for anyone who might be wondering about the glam life I lead out here on the Left Coast.

QUESTIONS:

What, in your opinion, is the point to life?

– There is no point. What I mean by this is that I don’t believe we will be rewarded or punished by a supernatural force who is keeping track of our good and bad deeds on a holy spreadsheet. If something is good, then we should do it because it’s good, not for points. Live a good life now, and don’t do bad things. Why not? Because they’re bad. If you’re an adult, you shouldn’t need a cookie for not being bad. Mmm cookies! Maybe cookies are the point? Note to self: more research needed.

What was your most recent lie?  You don’t have to get really specific obviously.

– I’ve quit lying. No, that’s not a lie! The reason I used to lie so much was due to my upfucked romantic situations. Some of the lies were told because I legit perceived some men as threatening, physically or emotionally. Some were simply told out of convenience. Some to spare guys’ feelings, rightly or wrongly. But all that is over. What a blessed relief!

What country do you consider the strangest?   (it’s all In fun folks, ALL countries may seem strange to outsiders)

– The USA. I’m saying this both because I’m unfamiliar with other countries and cuz I do think we’re a bit weird here. Take our politics. Please! Take it away, far away. And we’re so bizarre about sex, both fetishizing it and acting so damn Puritanical about it. I mean, we love our skimpily dressed stars, but GOD FORBID one of them breastfeeds her baby in public. Ewwww boobs. Gross! Put that thing away. Do it in the bathroom.

What’s your funniest story involving a car?

– Hard to choose. How about the time I was driving my daughter home from a trip to register for something or other at UCSD, was trying to find a place for lunch off the freeway, ended up in the wrong lane, and got trapped into the visitors’ line at the marine base. Once in the line, you were not allowed to escape. And it was a long damn line. We almost starved to DEATH! When we got up to the front, I explained that we only wanted lunch and the nice marine dude said this happens and told me how to turn around and leave. So embarrassing. We found a Hawaiian barbecue place around 2pm and decided it was the best food ever, but it really wasn’t. When I had it again another time, I realized it was only bland chicken and macaroni salad.

GRATITUDE

Do you have something you’re very thankful for or that showed immense kindness toward yourself or someone?

– Heat. It’s been really cold here. I’m extremely grateful to whoever discovered fire, and I’m betting it was a woman. Why do we assume it was a man? We’re the ones who are always freezing! 🥶