Tag Archives: aging

Bonfire-ku

Bonfire

As winter whispers,
I contemplate the missing
And dreams left undone.

Never felt native
To this atmosphere of one…
Fire-starting alone.

Hopes in golden sun
That once seemed fundamental
Are tossed on the pyre.

Moon watches coldly
As flames turn night into day;
The sea is dark glass.

Everything is ash
Hearts duplicated in grey–
For I have come home.

~*~

Written for Thursday Inspiration 21

~*~

©️2019 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Little Blue Bear [socs]

Beanie Baby America

I have a little blue bear on my desk at work. He’s a Ty beanie baby named America and I bought him when he came out after 9/11, which was shortly after I began working here (I’m writing this Friday lunchtime and will schedule it to post Saturday morning). On the left side of his tag it says that 100% of the profits from the purchase of the bear will go to Red Cross Disaster Relief. On the right side it says: “In memory of those who lost their lives in the national catastrophe that took place on September 11, 2001. We mourn for them and express our deepest sympathy to their families. God Bless America.”

A lot has changed in 18 years. My parents have both passed on. I’m divorced. My two daughters both graduated college and have gotten married. One of them has a baby, which magically makes me a grandma. I’ve moved five times. I had a relationship with a married man for two and a half years. If you believe in “bad karma,” then this gave me mine and I’ve been unable to have a happy/successful romance since. I also had a couple minor car accidents, which were horribly upsetting at the time, but in the grand scheme of things, not so bad really.

In these 18 years, I’ve been a flame warrior on Usenet, made enemies and turned them into Facebook “friends,” and since I quit FB most of them have forgotten my existence again. Perhaps that’s a good thing. I’ve been on Friendster and Twitter and Snapchat and G+ and other “social sites” too dark and dirty to mention here. I’ve experimented with different lifestyles to see if they were for me (no), and they’ve greatly enriched my fiction and poetry writing.

I’ve written a lot during these years. So so much. Poetry, novels, short stories. Zillions of blog posts and tweets. Loads of emails and texts. Have had interesting text chats with many men that I thought might “go somewhere,” but they didn’t and here I am alone, which isn’t a bad thing after all. I’m not sure anyone could really put up with me now… and vice versa.

I find that as I trudge toward my seventh decade I’m more or less the same person I was at age 14. I like to read romance novels and write poetry. I love games and puzzles, kittens and puppies, cookies and pizza. I’m not a sophisticated adult type person with advanced tastes in wine and music. Give me rock & roll and mac & cheese, woo! I’m a homebody and enjoy simple comforts. A hot shower is bliss. As I age, I’ve learned that I get more easily stressed out by other people, so I have to limit my interactions with them.

But through all this, I’ve had a good job, where I’ve been treated well. And every work day, little blue bear has been there to greet me, no matter what else is going on. I am grateful/thankful for my job and for my side work too… and for my book sales even though I wish there were more. (I’ll keep writing regardless.) When I began this post, I assumed at some point I’d say something political, but really there’s no need.❤️🧁💙

~*~

©️2019 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

One-Liner Wednesday

Maybe it’s my tinnitus, or just aging in general, but I’m finding it so lovely to be in silent spaces. My office is usually pretty quiet and I appreciate that. I don’t always play music in the car; sometimes it’s nice not to. I enjoy a white noise fan at home, and I don’t need background music or the din of TV voices to lull me into believing I have company. I’m very grateful for peace and silence.

~*~

Written for One-Liner Wednesday

~*~

© 2019 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

Sunday Night Blahs

Witch with cat and candelabra

Later tonight my 3TC post will pop into the feed ~ I have 10 more scheduled. These 10 include an announcement that September 10 will be the end of my 3TC hosting. Please let me know if you’d like to host (it’s fun!), and I’ll add your name to the remaining posts so people are aware. I’ve done 178 of these posts now (including the ones coming up), and it’s time for me to move on.

I will continue my Thursday Inspiration prompts because I really enjoy doing those. I don’t always write something myself, but I find it inspirational to search for the music to go with the picture. I’ve been using my Happy Color app pictures, which make me… happy. 🙂

I’ve done two audiobooks and am really disappointed that the narrators don’t seem to be helping out with any marketing. I thought we were in this together. Oh well. It was a good experiment, I guess, but it took a lot of time (and these were short books!), so I won’t be doing more. In a way, I’m glad my 200 page romance novel never got going as an audiobook because that would have taken forever to review.

From time to time, I get bummed out about writing generally, and this is one of those times. I never seem to get anywhere. I don’t have time to market like you’re supposed to, and nothing I write is great enough or lucky enough to simply take off without that. Yes, I write because I love to, but after all these years, it’s depressing not to have made any money at it.

I recently encountered a published poet and his stuff was just so bad… I don’t get it. Not saying my stuff is great or even good. But it’s so random and frustrating what gets attention and what gets published. Same as it’s ever been, I suppose.

Notwithstanding all this whining, there are still lots of good things in my life, just not any good writing news is all. Idk if I want to continue toiling away during my free time finishing all the OCD items on my writing to-do list just to keep seeing a flat line on my sales reports. I could just… stop.

I don’t mean stop blogging. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I have loads of writing in progress. Romance novels in various stages of completion. A murder mystery love story half-done. Stories for anthologies. Finished books I want to edit again. It’s ridiculous.

Happy September. 🐱

~*~

© 2019 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon.

The Daily Four ~ 08/26/19

Shamrock

From Rory’s Question Fun Directory

Welcome to The Daily Four!

Today’s Questions to the Readers are….

What was the worst thing you did as a child?

I got a C in penmanship when I was 10. It made my mom angry and she in turn created my OCD monster, or lured it out. Lots of unfortunate things resulted from this event.

Growing up, what was your ideal dream job and did you bring that to a reality at all?

I had various dreams at various times: scientist, writer, journalist, etc. But I didn’t pursue any of them seriously.

What were the things you both liked and hated about your schooling?

I loved the educational parts of school: reading, writing, even tests (because I was good at them). I hated anything to do with gym or sports or forced social interaction, like Valentine exchanges.

Where there is a will, there is a way! Do you agree?

Somewhat. Forex, I could never be a ballet dancer because I don’t have the innate talent, but if that’s something I loved, I could have been part of that world in some other way, such as a set designer. (Just using this as an example; I don’t care about ballet!)

I think, when we’re younger, we tend to work harder at relationships. Maybe they don’t seem like “work” then. We’re not so inflexible and intolerant about so many things. We decide to be friends or to be in a romance or to pursue a career goal, and we will it to work, whether it’s long-distance or in another culture or whatever. We shrug at hardships and “odds” of failure. Pffft! Failure! We’ll be the special, stand-out case.

But then life happens and most of us non-delusional people (key phrase) come to understand that we aren’t that special. We’ve failed at things we were positive couldn’t go wrong. We’ve been rejected for jobs we snootily assumed we were too good for. We’ve been dumped by dates who weren’t even as smart and cute as we were. Geez!

We start recalculating those odds of failure. We start to understand rejection is the norm whenever we send in a query letter. We start assuming that the next coffee meet is likely not going to be our soul mate. We quit going outside our comfort zone, since even things inside it aren’t sure bets.

What’s sadly ironic is that when we’re young and more inclined to plow ahead with sheer “will,” we probably have less experience and talent to get our “way.” Later when we have experience, talent, knowledge, etc., we have less will to try because of past failures weighing us down, so we just la la around and say meh why bother? I won’t get my way.

I’m sure Rory didn’t want all this gobble goop, but like whatever.

The Daily Four

~*~

© 2019 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon

PFF9 ~ Road Trippin’

Friday Flashback

Welcome to my Friday Flashback! This post originally appeared here on August 2, 2018, a mere year ago.

Travel Musings

In theory, I’d love to travel to a bunch of cool places ~ England, Scotland, Ireland, Italy, Israel, etc. ~ but practicalities always quench my wanderlust. First, the cost. Second, the time. Third, my migraines. It’s not only long plane flights that mess with my head, but everything about changes in my environment ~ food, sleep, weather, etc. ~ are pain triggers as well. I also don’t like to leave my furbaby. Right now, it’s an emotional challenge for me to go away for more than two nights in a row, but luckily I have a trusted friend to come over and take care of Gatsby.

I thought I had blogged about my idea for a post-retirement (and post-kitty) epic U.S. trip, but apparently I only discussed it on Facebook. My previous plan was to take train rides from the Pacific Northwest across the country. I’d see Idaho, Montana, Minnesota, etc.; then onto Chicago, Philly, and NYC; up to Boston, Vermont, NH, and Maine; down to DC, Nashville, Atlanta, and New Orleans; over to New Mexico and Utah; smoosh Yellowstone in there somewhere… basically see lots of new places, plus old friends (and meet friends in person with whom I’ve been corresponding for decades). But I’m not sure this is a good plan any longer, given the state of railroads these days. Dunno if I want to drive thousands and thousands of miles alone when I’m old, but…

I have this fantasy that after I retire (and after my kitty has rainbow-bridged), I could get rid of most of my stuff and do this epic trip in a comfy vehicle. But still… so much driving! Oww, my neck hurts just thinking about it. After the trip is over (three-four months, who knows?), I could figure out where to resettle in California, in a less expensive area away from the coast.

Be nice to visit Canada at some point too. That reminds me: I still haven’t bothered to get a passport after all that fuss to finally obtain my birth certificate. Yes, I am legal! I know, it was iffy there for a while, lol. But all this road-trippin’ is only a fantasy. It’s not like this crazy vacay would be cheap ~ I’d need to stay in a lot of motels and buy a lot of snadwiches. Not to mention gas!

The furthest I ever go these days is the Bay Area, which luckily is fabulous, and not only because my awesome daughter lives there with her awesome fiance and their awesome puppy. But mostly because of that.😍

Time Pieces

She smashed the clocks,

Flung the watches off the dock,

Determined to outwit time.

She covered the windows

So day became night;

Not a ray of sunshine

Found its way inside.

Prowling the quiet halls,

She owned the darkness;

Her face remained unlined,

Her body graceful as a child’s,

As everyone she knew died.

Eventually, her house crumbled,

The walls collapsing to dust,

And she stood alone in the rain.

A new world sputtered to life,

Full of hollow fluttering things,

And she became its cursed ruler.

She stared at the silent lake,

That graveyard of timepieces,

And knew a different kind of chain.

Perhaps she had made a mistake.

~*~

Fandango’s Flash Fiction Challenge

FPQ27: Where’d My Fandango?

Fandango provocatively asks…

“If you could choose one — and only one — particular malady, condition, or disease for which a safe and effective treatment was available, what one condition would you choose to treat and why is that your choice?”

I choose to eliminate Alzheimer’s. It not only steals any joy and dignity from the patient’s final years, but it’s such an awful burden in every way on their loved ones. It’s better to die of cancer or heart disease imo than to waste away from this hideous mind-melter.

My mother’s death was a shocking tragedy because no one expected this vibrant person to get suddenly diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, but she was 75. I guess that isn’t really so shocking to someone outside the family. We all just assumed she would live much longer. But as awful as that was, at least it was over quickly.

My father however spent around a dozen years fading away as his once formidable brainpower weakened from dementia. His memory and thoughts became jumbled, and he reacted with confusion and anger. He became susceptible to every con artist that knocked on the door (and those evil assholes know to prey on the senior community). After my mom passed, he immediately jumped into a new romance, asking a woman to marry him after dating for only a couple months. (She said no.) Then he began getting lost and needing more care, often forgetting who people were, and which ones were still alive.

It was so hard on all of us. I hope hope hope I do not burden my children with this horror! Just shoot me.

No, not yet. 😜

Wot Mystery? 🐱

Gatsby here! Good mews everyone. Rawry just gave us a Mystery Blogger Award and I clawed and chewed it for a while… and then I mushed it under the sofa with my other toys. Not much of a mystery to me.

But thank you, Rawry! I love new toys to hide.

Anyway. Mommy says I have to answer the questions Rawry sent us. Gosh, more work! I was just keeping watch at the window for the squirrel and now I have to do more things? Life isn’t fair.

My Five Questions (from Rawry)

Which is your least favourite mode of transportation?

I hate riding in the car in my little pink prison cage. It’s noisy and bumpy and we always end up at the vet. Horrible!

Why, oh why why why did the chicken cross the road?

Probably to escape a coyote, which was very smart of her. Coyotes will nom up chickens and kitties too! Stay away from them. Of course, I like chicken…

What is the stupidist thing you have ever done – voluntarily?

One time I bited Mommy’s face while she was asleep and she screamed. That was so fun, but I guess it was stupid cuz she got so mad and smacked me.

When you have left this planet, as in your life ends, what do you think is next ….?

Some people say kitties go over a rainbow bridge to a big garden to play with their special person again and have lots of treats, but I think people just say that to make themselves feel better cuz I don’t know what rainbows are and can’t see colors besides. I think everything just ends right then, and hopefully Mommy will take good care of me and make sure I don’t suffer.

At what age do you think you actually became an adult?

When you have to start paying your own bills. But some of us are so cute and furry that we never have to, NEENER! 😛

Tick Tock [flash 99]

I don’t believe in denial or dime store philosophy. You age regardless of how you feel about aging. Death has you in its crosshairs no matter how much time and money you spend covering up the signs of years gone by. It’s great if you keep active, eat healthily, and dream more dreams, but the calendar still flips a page every 24 hours just as it does for the people with bad habits. Will you have more pages than the couch potatoes? Maybe, but no guarantees. Stop acting so superior! You just don’t know how much time is left.

~*~

Carrot Ranch 99 Words Challenge