Santa banished the Norty Imps to the dusty old storeroom. “You troublemakers stay out of my way until after Christmas,” Santa said. “I’ve got work to do and can’t be bothered with your shenanigans today of all days!”
The imps were sad for a mo, thinking they were going to be bored out of their silly heads for the next 24 hours, until one of them began opening the boxes in the back.
“Looky!” he cried. “Norty fings!”
He held up a black lacy bra and thong set. The other imps scampered to the boxes to find more norties. “A dildo!” “A norty book!” “A purple vibrator!”
“No one wants them anymore,” one imp said. “Everyone asks for iPhones. What can we do with these?”
“Send them to a church full of nuns!” another imp suggested.
The Norty Imps cheered and jumped for joy at the idea of a fun new tricksy plan.
One of the imps pulled out his iPad. “I’ll make a list with directions for the ‘deers.”
“Which ‘deers?” another said. “They’ll know the list ain’t all official like.”
“I know just the ones,” iPad Imp said. “Quick, help me break out of here. Who has the key codes?”
*
Ipad Imp approached the group of reindeer at the North Pole Starbucks who were all texting on their phones. “Hey, guys. Job for you.”
Sierra looked up. “Huh? I thought Santa gave out all the assignments yesterday.”
“This is a special late job,” Ipad Imp said. “He thought you might be suited for it, being so technically adept and all.”
“Oh yah,” Bruno said. “I’m totes into tech.”
“There you go then.” Ipad Imp grinned at the group. “I’ll just share my GPS file with you and Bob’s yer uncle.”
Giselle frowned at him. “Who’s Bob?”
The imp rolled his eyes. “Never mind that. Finish your drinks, go potty, and I’ll take you to the sleigh. We gots it all loaded up nice and full, ready to go.”
*
Roxy poked Clove with her hoof. “Dude, I think we should have arrived by now.”
They’d been flying for hours through the dark velvet skies. It was snowing now and Roxy was bored. Her movie had failed to load on her FlyPad. Annoying!
Clove removed his earbuds. “What? Are we lost?”
“I’m not sure,” Roxy said, “but this is taking forever. Ask Sierra if she downloaded the GPS update.”
Clove pulled Sierra’s tail and asked her. “No,” she said. “I forgot to check for updates before we left because of all the drama with my ex. But Bruno has the list.”
Bruno turned around. “Did someone say my name?”
“Are we lost?!” Roxy yelled.
“I took the scenic route!” he laughed.
Giselle began to cry. “I have a breakfast date with Noel.”
“Wait,” Sierra said. “Since when are you going out with Noel?”
“You guys broke up like a week ago,” Giselle sniffled. “So, why do you care?”
“Um, hello. We were only taking a break a week ago,” Sierra said. “That’s not being broken up.”
Roxy butted in, “Maybe we shouldn’t do this here?”
“Do what?” Giselle said. “Like why do I have to apologize for anything?”
“I don’t think she asked you to apologize,” Clove said. “But we’re really trying to find this church full of nuns.”
“Hey,” Noel called from the back. “I see a church.”
Bruno shook his head. “My GPS from the imp doesn’t list a church there. It’s supposed to be around the block.”
They flew around the block, but there was no church.
“Are we in the right town?” Sierra asked.
“Do I look like an idiot?” Bruno said. “Silver Springs, em eye.”
“Michigan, okay.” Roxy shrugged. “Let’s go.”
*
The hackers worked diligently in the abandoned church, hoping to have their entire evil scheme completed at 3am on Christmas morning. The world would slowly wake up to the fact that they were in charge and begin to understand the futility of resistance. Soon the ransom money would flow into their offshore accounts or else worldwide energy grids would become dysfunctional.
“Utterly brilliant,” Hank said. “Pure mad genius.”
Hugh nodded. “Almost there. Hester?”
“Capturing Japan right now. Another few minutes.” Hester looked up and smiled.
“The best thing is that we stay undetected until we decide to show our strength,” Hank said. “It really–what’s that noise?”
Hester went to the window. “I don’t see anything, but I hear clomping on the roof.”
“You guys,” Hugh whispered, “look.”
Around the old stone fireplace the air began to shimmer and fill with sparkling snow. Through the fog, six reindeer materialized holding gift bags in their mouths and with more gifts piled on their backs. They gently deposited these around the fireplace as the hackers watched in stunned silence.
“Where’s your tree?” one reindeer asked.
Another one said, “You don’t look like proper nuns. Roxy, aren’t they supposed to be all girls?”
“That one’s a girl.” “What about those two?” “Where are all the churchy things?” “Are you sure this is right?” “Lemme see that list?” “This says em oh not em eye.” “What?” “Missouri!”
“SHUT UP!” Hank yelled, pulling out a gun.
One of the reindeer began to cry. “Noel, help!” “What am I supposed to do?” “Okay, I’m downloading the updates.”
“Maybe we should just shoot them,” Hester said.
Hugh shook his head. “They may be on the endangered list. We don’t want to call attention to ourselves. Let them just poof out of here the way they came.”
*
Retired Lieutenant Stan the Dogwalking Man was very grumpy about the fact that Lucky McMuttface insisted on going out to do his biz in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve. Stan suspected it was due to all the scrummy treats people had been surreptitiously sneaking to Lucky when Stan wasn’t looking. As they walked past the abandoned church on Third Street, Stan heard yelling and crying inside, which wasn’t right. He immediately texted his old buddies down at the station house and a minute later the street was filled with police cruisers.
*
Back at the North Pole, on the day after Christmas, Santa congratulated everyone on another successful holiday. “And I want to give a particular shoutout to my newest team, headed by Bruno, who cleverly managed to foil a group of criminals. The Silver Springs police department is giving all six of you honorary badges.”
“Ooh badges!” Giselle exclaimed. “Noel, could you fasten mine please?”
Sierra rolled her eyes.
As Santa’s elves and reindeer headed off to the post-Christmas party, he said, “Hold on a minute, you lot.”
Ipad Imp batted his eyelashes. “Do you mean us?”
“Don’t you give me that phony innocent look,” Santa said. “I know you Norty Imps had something to do with that mess in Missouri. What happened to the stuff in the storeroom?”
The imps began fidgeting and giggling, earning them a glare from Santa. “Knew it! Spill the beans, Norties!”
The imps began making farty noises, as they always did when commanded to spill the beans. This sent them further into paroxysms of laughter. Santa growled and stomped his foot.
“I’m warning you!”
Ipad Imp held up his hands in mock surrender. He controlled his giggles and said, “We donated the norty gifts to the police officers gag gifts fundraiser. That nice retired cop thought it was hilarious!”
“One day you imps will go too far.” Santa shook his head. “But today… let’s party! Eggnog and cookies await us. Merry Christmas!”
