Let’s celebrate celery! This most excellent vegetable is like having a facelift and a cellulite destroyer all in one nicely portable fresh green parcel. There’s a possibility it even cures celibacy in ocelots—we’re waiting for results of that study. In the meantime, you can purchase your miscellaneous starter package of our secretly formulated accelerated celery seeds for a one-time special low price by signing up for our monthly subscription, which you can cancel at any time by standing on your head and playing “Tainted Love” by Soft Cell on the cello. Grab your cell phone and call 1-800-CELERY today! Don’t bother buying diamond bracelets and other stuff nobody wants, when you can give the priceless gift of a celery subscription in a princely porcelain box.
I’m Celeste and I fiercely approve this message.
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