One-Liner Wednesday (Multiple) & Bonus Anti-FPQ Babble

Compassion

That’s a mouthful of a title, isn’t it? A few posts I’ve read this morning have inspired me. First, there’s Fandango’s Provocative Question: If you could have a second chance at just one event in your life, what would you choose? (Etc.)

I began to formulate a reply in my mind. My usual response to these change-something questions is that I would have gone to Northwestern at age 18 and had a great career instead of wasting a decade at dumb jobs before finishing college. But that starts a whole cascade of self-blame plus angst over the fact that my daughters would likely not have existed on this path. That’s unacceptable, so I ponder possibilities after they existed, like divorcing sooner or exercising more when I wasn’t so achy 24/7. But ultimately all these woulda shoulda scenarios involve beating up on myself for not doing better.

Forgive yourself

Engaging in recriminations is not a good state of mind in which to dwell. I end up bemoaning my worst mistake of the last several years, which is dating a jerk at the end of 2016. All the red flags were waving, yet I ignored them, as well as the instinct I had from his first message that something was off blah blah. So many times I’ve called myself an idiot for even meeting him once much less giving him another chance after he was horrible! But why do this to myself? I’m the victim here, and I don’t deserve to be criticized after getting hurt. I tried to be open-minded and optimistic, and those are good things, generally.

Forgive yourself

Today I read a post from a smart, nice woman who is trying to meet someone via a dating site. I read her words in amazement because I could have written them myself (back when I was trying also). She’s been chatting with a man who alternates between bread-crumbing and love-bombing her, and she is making excuses for him. Now, I could be wrong (and often am)… perhaps this guy is wonderful, he’ll actually meet her soon, and they’ll be very happy together. But my experience plus all the advice out there says DTMFA.

A person who is serious about wanting a partner doesn’t waste your time with links to songs and other BS text crumbs. They make a plan to meet in person and follow through. If they can’t because they’re “too busy,” you move on. A man who is so overwhelmed with work or whatever else that he can’t schedule a weekend lunch or drink/coffee is too busy for dating period. That’s even giving him the exceedingly generous benefit of the doubt that he’s telling the truth about being busy and simply isn’t just another married ahole who needs some online attention.

Forgiveness

But you know what? We all have to learn for ourselves, and usually it’s via that infamous hard way. Until we actually experience first-hand the shock and disappointment of discovering that the cute, witty guy we’ve been chatting with is a liar, scammer, and/or cheater, we will give the benefit of the doubt to these busy guys who are really trying to arrange a date with us, but but but. It took me a long time to understand that men who are too busy to meet in person are not good dating prospects, and I should not waste any time or emotion on them by “connecting” over text and pics. I forgive myself for not knowing better when I first started.

Forgive yourself

Other than that, I have no comment, lol.

~*~
©️2022 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted.

28 responses to “One-Liner Wednesday (Multiple) & Bonus Anti-FPQ Babble

  1. I have also been recriminating with myself about the past lately. I was even intending to blog about it today (not from the prompt), but I don’t know if I’ll get the time. I wonder about getting diagnosed with depression earlier, getting diagnosed with autism MUCH earlier, going to rabbinical seminary before (or after) university, not losing my twenties and early thirties to depression/autistic burn out… But, yes, once you start to change things, then lots of other things change and it’s hard to tell if it’s for the better. And most of these things were largely out of my hands anyway. I did the best I could do at the time, based on the information available to me.

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  2. Truer words were never spoken. Or something like that😂👍🏻

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

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  3. Live and learn. That phrase is covered beautifully in your post. Thank-you.

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  4. Learn from the past and move on. Don’t torture yourself about why and how.

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  5. You have the best dating advice Paula.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dump The MF Already!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Interesting: you would have gone to Northwestern at 18. I wouldn’t have.

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  8. I totally get the collge thing! Wish I had gone to UCLA as soon as boot camp ended. But so many other wonderful things wouldn’t have happened. Great dating advice! LOL

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  9. I have a great deal of trouble with the idea that we are essentially, and only, what we are at this moment in time, and the past has absolutely nothing to do with it. But I think it’s true.

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  10. Pingback: Job Interview and Changing the Past – Vision of the Night

  11. Good advice. Don’t dwell on past mistakes, learn from them and go forward.

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  12. That’s a really good way to look at it. I don’t regret any of my decisions…. except maybe the time I spent with my last partner, which would have been much better spent with my son. But that’s in hindsight, I didn’t know he wouldn’t continue to be around. Wouldn’t life be strange if we did know these things!

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  13. I agree, there are some lessons that we can only learn through direct experience, usually involving getting bitten in the ass.

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  14. Some hard-earned lessons there. I think they happen because we are loyal, good people who want to see the best. Not our fault the other doesn’t deserve our time and effort. Good for you for realizing you’re not at fault.

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