TMP48: “You Rock!”

TMP monday peeve kitty cat

Welcome to my refreshed Monday Peeve! Unburden yourself of an annoyance and you’ll feel better afterward. Or not. Complain in my comments or crab in your own post. Doesn’t have to be on a Monday. You do you.

Today’s peeve is very subtle. You know how you count on your friends (and family) for emotional support, especially when you’re feeling like crap? Sure, we’ve all been there. But there’s something insidious about a friend insisting that ALL IS WELL and YOU ROCK when you’re trying to discuss a poor decision you made. It’s almost like they’re refusing to listen to you. Nope, nope, you had a LEARNING EXPERIENCE and now YOU’RE AWESOME! Oh, ffs, shut up with that already. I’m trying to take responsibility for my actions, and they sucked. I made bad choices. I want to explore that and try to learn and grow. I don’t need your pom-poms in my face going RAH RAH YOU ARE GREAT WOO HOO! Stop it already.

The reason it is subtle is because no one wants a friend to go omg you make the dumbest choices. I can’t believe how stupid you are. Why are you such an idiot? Obviously, someone who would say those things is not a friend, and the one in the mirror needs to cool it too. But on the other hand, your feelings still need to be validated, not dismissed, and not pooh-poohed over with phony compliments. It’s possible to say something like yeah that wasn’t your finest hour… how are you feeling about it now? Or what do you think you need to do to ensure that doesn’t happen again? It takes some finesse and thought to get this right. But a real friend will put in that effort.

~*~
©️2022 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted.

29 responses to “TMP48: “You Rock!”

  1. Is this one of those “do you want comfort or advice” things? I can never keep those straight.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What you describe is almost dismissive, as if your friend just doesn’t want to deal with your downer. I knew a couple people who did it right–they would listen, then immediately take your side and get very pissed, as if they were ready to get in a fist fight for you. The effect was either total vindication, or laughter, either one being OK. It takes a mensch to acknowledge your mistake gently and talk you down.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Not having any friends, I don’t have this problem.

    Liked by 1 person

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  6. Yes virtual friends, which is nice.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It is a hard balance between being supportive and being condescending, as well as between being honest or just plain rude. I think sometimes all we need is a quiet listener, hehe.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I have one best friend who I can tell all the stupid things I do and she doesn’t say much until I have come to realize what I have done. Then she never says “I told you so” but rather more of a “you’ve been able to correct yourself in the past…”

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  10. This is rough water for a friend to navigate, but it should be done. I think people don’t know how to have tough conversations. Sometimes what is need is for someone to listen and help the person get back on track.

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  11. That sort of friends are very rare. One is lucky to have one.

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  13. I agree! A real friend would make an effort! Not just invalidate your feelings! Thats not what friends should do!

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  14. Once again, Paula, you and I see eye-to-eye. People think they have to make you “feel better” when you’re not looking for that; you just want to honestly talk about something that happened, own your part in it, and leave it at that. But then along come the inevitable platitudes… “Aren’t you being a little hard on yourself?” “Oh come on, you weren’t that bad!”

    Grrrrr. Real friends let friends talk about their screw-ups!

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  15. I tend to be a pom pom girl. Because I don’t know what to say or because what the FUBAR is makes me uncomfortable. I’m trying real hard to learn to just listen, let the person get their venting about their stupidity and poor choices over with and wait to see what they want from me besides a sounding board. But I’m not great at that yet, I’m trying to ‘fix’ their problem, something that was my job (in a way) for 60+ years for someone or another over my life. I thought I HAD to be encouraging. Strange thing is I’ve found that just listening does something rather odd. The reaction from the friend or relative with the problem is one of two. Either they think I’m dis-interested and it makes them upset that I’m not validating them OR they start focusing on what’s wrong with my life. Two ears and one mouth though, so that we are meant to use our ears twice as much as we prattle along. Like this comment. 😊

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    • Heh. I enjoyed the comment. It reminds me of when I had to be supportive of everything an ex said, not necessarily in a rah-rah way, but I certainly was NOT allowed to express any difference of opinion! Glad that sh!t is over…

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