Sharing About Sharing [syw]

Halloween SYW kitty cat

Happy first Monday in October! Melanie treats us to a new set of questions..

How do you feel about sharing your computer or phone password with your partner?

I feel extremely negatively toward this idea, from my direct experience with an ex spying on me and, unfortunately, vice versa. It was a disaster in both directions, solved nothing, and only created more trust issues, though it is fair to say the relationship was doomed regardless.

With another ex, I voluntarily gave him a few passwords, in order to help him feel more secure, but you know what? When you’re dealing with a paranoid lunatic, NOTHING is ever enough. It makes no difference how much of your privacy you relinquish, when someone is horribly insecure and neurotic, they will always find something to freak out about. It’s simply their nature.

Here is another problem with allowing them to snoop ~ you are also compromising the privacy of everyone else who communicates with you. In my case, I don’t want some man poking around in my messages from my daughters. They haven’t agreed to randos reading their texts. This is a terrible idea, from start to finish.

What is the greatest struggle you’ve overcome? (This isn’t meant to be invasive, just use general terms if you’d like.  Or if not, feel free to pass on the question.  That’s allowed too).

My divorce and everything that entailed, such as selling two properties while in a hostile situation, was pretty tough, not to mention that the process of splitting up went on for around 10 years total, including while we were still living together. It was a slow motion train wreck.

If heaven is real and you died tomorrow, do you think you would get in?  Why or why not?  (this is purely speculation, no bias if you don’t believe)

I tend to think that I would not get into any kind of heaven. I had a 2.5 year affair with a married man, and that can’t be OK in any set of rules. That’s not the only bad thing I’ve done, but I feel it’s probably the worst. Luckily for me, however, I don’t believe in an afterlife.

What makes you feel like you really need to be alone?

Being with people! Actually, I enjoy social events, but I have limits. For every hour I spend with others, I need “recovery time” to recharge. It’s stressful for me to spend day after day socializing, so I take significant breaks to chill by myself. Family is different. I enjoy being with my daughters for however long we can. This isn’t to say that my grands don’t tire me out, but that’s more physical than emotional.

Do you have any traditions around this time of year? 

When my girls lived with me, we would decorate for the season and also make sure to have pumpkin pancakes at least once before December. But on my own, nah, not really. Some years I have worn a costume for Halloween and gone to social events, but it just depends on what friends are doing and planning. This year nothing seems to be happening on Halloween weekend, so maybe that will be my me-time to recharge!


Image from Melanie.

©️2021 Paula Light and Light Motifs II. No unauthorized use permitted. Please check out Paula’s books for sale on Amazon. Thank you.

13 responses to “Sharing About Sharing [syw]

  1. I’m with you on the passwords. If the relationship is in a place where knowing passwords seems necessary, that’s probably a sign that there are other issues that need to be addressed.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Check into a beautiful piece of open source software called Bitwarden. You don’t have to give your password to anyone and you can share by granting someone access to like your Netflix account for example. But you can remove them later. Hope this helps! So sorry you went through all that, but thankfully with a lovely password manager like Bitwarden your life will be easier in these exploitation schemes.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Passwords As An Indicator Of Marital Health:

    Been married for coming up on 50 years in a little while, and to this day have never even opened a piece of mail that’s addressed to The Beneficiary. And the only thing she’s ever opened that’s mine are bills and whatnot needed to make the household function. I used to know a couple of her main passwords, but have long since forgotten them since I’ve never used them for anything. I do know the PIN to her phone because she makes me answer it when she’s doing something else. She knows zero of my stuff, not because I wouldn’t give it to her, but because she’s never asked. I wrote down enough passwords to get into bank accounts and insurance and whatnot if I suddenly go tits-up for some reason, but the other day she mentioned she couldn’t remember where she put them — we finally found them in a lockbox I didn’t know she had and that she’d near forgotten. I’ve never even glanced in her purse for any reason that didn’t involve some directive from her.

    Being married is a whole thing, lots of deeply intimate merging of stuff and selves with one another, rigid trust requirements, all that, most of which is critical and most of which I’m not going to get into. Everyone seems to know that part.

    Less commonly known, it turns out that at least as critical is also finding a way to integrate the concept of “mind your own fucking business” into those parts of your lives where you are separate people. I think it’s safe to say that demanding the Next Of Kin’s passwords is a stone-cold failure to recognize that critical concept and in my experience is a disaster every single time.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I thought it was funny to even ask the question, but I guess the S.O./RMB and I share some passwords for convenience sake, but now that I think of it, no email and no banking.

    Liked by 1 person

    • It’s not so much that I’d be weird about it in an emergency, but I have to ask WHY a partner would need to see texts with my daughters. That’s just too intrusive…


      • Right. Computer privacy is just another facet of what you would expect of a healthy, mature relationship. Same as not demanding your partner reveal who they spoke with that day, and what was said. The good relationship has sharing, but voluntary, purposeful sharing. We remain individuals. Or should.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Your answer about holiday traditions sort of reinforces my own idea that most holidays are “childish,” or at least mainly for children, you might say, and rely on decades of early childhood conditioning for their momentum in our society. I still get a very visceral enjoyment from seeing Christmas decorations and, for that matter, a quarter on the sidewalk. Odd, maybe, that I stopped getting excited about Halloween way back when I was just a little kid, but that might just be me.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks Paula for Sharing Your World and some interesting reading in your comments’ section too! I can see the password question has two distinct camps – one who absolutely would and one that would absolutely NOT share. Perhaps it says something about the level of trust a partnership has in each other? I know I didn’t willingly share my passwords with hubby, and I didn’t want to know his because what was locked down I didn’t want to see anyway. And no, I guess we didn’t really trust each other deeply.

    Your answer to the heaven question was a bit dire. I doubt that (and respect to your own line of thought on the subject of deity versus non-deity of course) God cares too much about infidelity. Or maybe I hope He doesn’t. My own affair went on for 32 years, including during his four or five (I lost count) marriages and my marriage to hubby. You’re good on that score I think1 You’re a lovely person and obviously very thoughtful and kind, so to me? That outweighs any ‘sin’ associated with foolin’ around with somebody’s else’s man. I always justified it to myself with the thought that if those various wives of his had kept him entertained at home, he wouldn’t have been looking around in the first place. But he was a sleaze bag too and I wasted my time. Got smart way too late. And have put all that nastiness behind me.

    Thanks Paula! It’s always refreshing to read your open and honest responses! Have a wonderful week!

    Liked by 1 person

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