I’d imagined this moment so many times, but I never expected it to happen so dramatically. My book Ghosted came to the attention of a big influencer who gushed over it to all her fans. What a lucky break! Suddenly, I was on the best-seller list and money came pouring into my account every month. Next thing I knew, I was flying all expenses paid first-class to NYC for a signing tour and interviews. But not only that! I was also hosting Saturday Night Live, a dream come true. As my plane headed east, I composed a brilliantly funny sketch for my monologue. The flight attendants were awed by my presence, kept fluffing my pillows, and served me endless pots of delicious vanilla tea and buttery little cookies with rainbow sprinkles. My SNL gig was a big success, Brad Pitt kissed me at the after-party, and everyone everywhere kept saying how hilarious I was. A fabulous writer and a fantastic comedian! I was over the moon.
But then he contacted me, demanding to know if Ghosted was about him and threatening to sue if I didn’t split my profits with him. He began saying online that the novel was totally based on our relationship, and I had to clarify to the media that we didn’t even have a relationship, which I guess made me sound kind of cold. He went on a talk show and cried, so everyone began feeling sorry for him. Soon, people started grumbling that I was a bad person and had no regard for this poor, sad man. My sales plummeted and I began getting hate mail. Other exes read my older books and announced that those were also based on actual people. My doorbell rang this morning, but instead of the usual fan mail, flowers, cupcakes, etc., it was a process server handing me 25 summons to appear in court. All the exes were suing me for libel! It was going to cost millions!
I slammed the door and it fell off its hinges. The process server grinned like a maniac as it began to rain. I realized that he was my high school creative writing teacher. Lightning flashed across the sky and struck him. I laughed like the demon I am as he crumpled to the ground, but then a tiger appeared behind him, growling and snarling at me. I backed into my house, which now had no roof, and the tiger followed me, chasing me from room to room as my house turned into a maze with no escape. The tiger grew larger and larger leaping over the hedges in the maze, cornering me in a garden where the flower petals were made of bad reviews of my books. My chest grew heavy with despair as the tiger pounced.
Then I woke up and got ready for work.
Image of Tiger is mine.
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