1. Setting the scene.
Last night I was relaxing on the sofa, reading and trying not to spill my iced tea, as my cat lounged on the floor. I stretched out my legs, at which point I inadvertently touched Gatsby’s tail with my foot. I immediately apologized as he turned and glared at me.
2. The apology tour.
Gatsby continued to glare at me, which led me to believe my apology was insufficient. So, I put down my tea and picked him up for cuddles. It was hot, and for a while he simply lay on my lap seemingly accepting my loving pets as silent penance for the Foot Tail Incident.
3. Escalation of hostilities.
After a few minutes, Gatsby lifted his head slightly and bit my arm twice, sort of like gnaws. I took this low-level sniping as a chance to assure him that it was totally fine for him to retaliate for the FTI, and I accepted the bites as my punishment. He altered his position and bit me sharply as if to say, yes, the FTI does merit this and more. Then he did a very scary thing: he went into crouch attack mode, his golden laser eyes focused on my face!
4. The negotiations begin.
“Gatsby,” I said (with my hand on his back smushing him down), “you have just bitten my arm three times. I think that is enough retaliation for my one touch of your tail with my foot. You got me three to one! You win! Yayyy Gatsby! There is no need to launch yourself into a furmissile now. We can both relax again and be friends. Why not go look out the window or have a snack or go snooze on the bed?”
I thought this was a very articulate and logical speech. I had complimented and congratulated my enemy. I had not criticized him for possibly overreacting to the FTI. I suggested options for his next actions that might be enjoyable. But do you know what he did?
5. All-out war.
The instant I removed my hand from his back, Gatsby launched at my face and I blocked him. I had to push him on the floor like a b*tch playing Twitch (whatever that is). Then I grabbed my squirt bottle of mass destruction and got him as he ran behind the sofa! He hid in his kitty condo to reconnoiter while I went to the bathroom.
When I came out, I resumed my original place on the sofa and Gatsby flopped down on the floor in the same spot where the FTI had occurred earlier. He had apparently forgotten that I was his nemesis. Whew!
Just another Friday night at Castle G. 🐱💖