Show & Tell

Warning: this turned into a rambling pointless bunch of jabbering. More than usual. 😂

Melanie haz questions:

1. Was the last thing you read digital or print?

I’m not counting online “news,” since that’s like reading cereal boxes. Actually, it would probably be more informative to read cereal boxes (note to self: buy some Cap’n Crunch). The last book I read on my Kindle was Not Quite Dating, which I already reviewed for the alphablog and am now done with all those posts, yay! So, that leaves Us Magazine, which hits my mailbox every Saturday. Why? I dunno! I’m certainly not paying for it. Somehow, a free subscription has been gifted to me and it shows up every week. I spend a couple minutes paging through and then toss it. Can’t remember anything much about this one except the spread of celebs in their wine colored dresses. Every issue has two pages near the front with a clothing theme. I do like themes. Oh, Kate Hudson was in this issue too. She’s 40 and happy. I’m happy she’s happy cuz I like her.

2. Are you more an extrovert or introvert?

According to the definition, I’m an introvert. My friends also call themselves introverts, but they always want to get together, which I find curious. Shouldn’t they need to spend lots of time alone, as I do? Granted, I have been more social than normal lately due to Game of Thrones, but that’s temporary. It’ll be over in a month. There is something particularly compelling about the ending to this dramatic and complex show that makes it fun to watch and discuss with others. Most of the time however I have no need for that and prefer to watch things alone. I crave alone time to think and read and write in peace and quiet. It recharges me. Too much peopling makes me literally crazy and I feel the air getting so heavy with noise and vibration and other people talking moving breathing that my body will crush and implode if I don’t get away.

3. How is your life different from what you imagined as a younger person?

When I was a teenager, I imagined myself becoming a career-focused professional, possibly a scientist. I wasn’t dreaming of marriage and children, but that is what I did. Next, I assumed I’d be married for the rest of my life; when I divorced, I thought I should find someone else. It didn’t occur to me until relatively recently that I would spend my life alone, but now that I’ve accepted it, I’m fine. It might be the ideal state for me, even.

4. Do you think about dying?   Does death scare you?  Why or why not?

I think about it a lot. It used to terrify me ~ when it first hit me that I would die and be erased, I freaked out. I was 12 and in a car with my parents coming back to NJ after visiting peeps in Ohio. I knew earlier that I would die, of course, but the impact of the erasure didn’t affect me until that moment. I mentioned I was upset and my parents dismissed my concerns. For a long time, I was angry at them over this, but I’ve come to understand they did the best they could.

I didn’t sleep for a year ~ at least, this is how I remember it. I stumbled through the days, exhausted but somehow not letting on I had this enormous burden. And I must have slept some or I would have died or become ill, but I remember all that year lying awake utterly terrified, making words out of words in my head. My schoolwork wasn’t affected, so no one knew or cared.

Eventually, I grew to live with the bleak erasure knowledge. It’s what keeps me sympathetic to religious believers. Of course you would take the comfort of an afterlife option if it were intellectually available to you! You’d have to be nuts not to grab onto that if there were any way to make sense of it. Unfortunately, I can’t make it fit into my logical brainspace. I wish I could.

Lately though, I’m not so afraid any longer. Maybe it’s because I am just so damn tired of being in pain every day. At least that will stop, which is something to look forward to, blissful non-awareness of aches and migraines. I also won’t have to think about all the things I’ve failed to accomplish, what a freaking relief. Not to mention all the mistakes I’ve made, gahhh. All erased from MY mind, since there won’t be any more “my mind.” And if others criticize or gossip, I won’t know, so I won’t care. Nice!

Plus, things are getting old as I’m getting old. Samey same same same. Sure, I still enjoy stuff, but meh. As someone I once loved said: “Do I really care about seeing the millionth issue of the New York Times?”

It’s his birthday today, btw. Happy birthday to the man who broke my heart. Still much older than I am. Still living in a big lonely house with his wife and their money. Now we’re all unhappy, great.

5. Gratitude challenge: find something you are thankful for in nature.

California mountains and beaches and sunsets and flowers, of course…

29 responses to “Show & Tell

  1. A lot of the same thoughts and conclusions at my end.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The afterlife. I would like to believe and still work yo erase the belief in Hell.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The millionth issue of the NY Times doesn’t get published until September 18th, 4588. I did the math. And then I got into my time machine to go check out the headlines. You probably won’t be surprised to learn that it not only became unavailable in paper form in the year 2035, they stopped publishing the NY Times altogether on July 4th, 2088. I’m not at liberty to say why, due to time continuum restriction laws, but I can reveal that the reason for its discontuation was/will be pretty dull. And that a descendant of Trump was involved.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hah! Good to see you back to “normal.”

      Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks. Naturally, that “normal” requires me to pointlessly disclose that I didn’t bother to add the requisite 310 days to the quickly ascertained September 18th, 4588 date, which was in fact the correct millionth issue anniversary year pivot date of the very first edition from the mid 1800s as discovered via Wikipedia.

        But I didn’t feel like figuring out what the exact date in 4589 would be that was 310 days *after* September 18, 4588. Mostly due to how annoying it is to calculate, given the silly variance of day numbers per month.

        But like you said, who really wants to see the millionth issue anyway. Especially since they stopped publishing it completely in 2088 anyway.

        Futile exercise.

        Hopes dashed.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Oh wow.

        Obviously, being that I suffer from math insanity, I couldn’t just let this million issues of the NY Times date thinger go. So after I inadvertently looked at that 310 days leftover number again, I noticed that when divided by about 30.5 days per month, it equals approximately 10 months. Nice even number. So I just now quickly counted 10 months forward from September 18th, 4588. And guess where *that* lands?


        Plus or minus five days from my birthdate in 4589! Too funny. Now I’m gonna have to seriously figure it out. Thanks for the pointless distraction!

        I’m good at these kinds of tangents.

        But this one will have to wait a bit. Added to my list.

        Liked by 1 person

      • BREAKING — (NYTimes) — Aug. 13, 4589, Thursday

        Theoretical Millionth Issue Date Verified; Day Nut Miscalculates Yet Again, Off By Almost A Whole Month Somehow; Obsessive Math Tangent Resolved Via Days-Between-Dates App; Mr. Tangenations Walks Away Muttering An Old Internet Meme To Self: “There’s an app for that!”

        Liked by 1 person

  4. If he has a wife and money why is he unhappy?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Enjoyed reading this post! So much resonates … broken heart and all!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thanks for the warning.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Migelli Bin Origen

    good post with a bunch of meat to it. kudos. so much one could say in response, I suppose, but I’ll just say that I enjoyed reading it.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks Paula for Sharing Your World. So much beauty in nature, if one takes a moment to stop and see it. Let the peace of it wash over one. I’m sorry about your terror as a child regarding death. That whole erasure business would horrify an adult, let alone a child. Sounds like you were mature for your age to even consider it.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I also need a lot of time alone or I can’t function. I need to see people sometimes, of course. I’m not a believer in any religion I’ve come across – and I don’t think there are any more – and I can let hell and fire and brimstone go so easily. Which god made that up, anyway? But I do like to believe in an afterlife. I’m working on the idea of parallel universes at the moment.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. The introverts who always want to get together. Love it.

    Liked by 1 person

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