I hope this missive finds you well. I apologize for interrupting your travels, but I am having a bit of an issue with your tenants. In your absence, your property has become quite… fragrant with the strong odors emitted by their various circus creatures, and I did speak to them once, but was treated rather rudely. My wife Zelda was with me and can attest that I was polite and moderate throughout the exchange. I do hope we can resolve this in the neighborly way, for it is never pleasant when things become intense between adjoining landowners, and besides that, I consider us friends.
Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention. I regret I did not inform you before I left for my charity work abroad I had my property rezoned to care for animals that had been cruelly mistreated. Unfortunately, my tenants do not speak English well, which is probably why you thought they were being “rude.” They do however speak 12 other languages perfectly, though I realize you are familiar with only the one.
The foul odor you were complaining about was the death of a pregnant elephant. This was a terribly abused poor noble animal and her passing (along with the death of her unborn calf) has devastated us all. But the remains have been disposed of now, so I trust we are still on amicable terms?
Wow no need to insult my lack of language skills there buddy! While your daddy greased the way for you to go to fancy schools with his oil money I was working two jobs. Sorry I didn’t have time to fart around in language and poetry classes lah tee dah, mea culpa. J/k! Yes the stink is gone thank God, but now a weasel or some other rat type critter from next door has chewed through my cable and I missed the big game! Zelda left to visit her sister so I’m eating pizza every night and it’s getting old! What’s up with you?
PS: Sorru about any typos, Zelda isn’t here and I’ve had a lot of beer. Hey that rhymes!
Hello again Edmund,
Life is certainly an adventure, is it not? I was saddened to learn of your arrest for arson. I’ve heard very good things about the public defenders, so I’m sure you’ll do just fine. I had no idea your property had so many liens against it. Dear me, what a spot of bother. Luckily, I have very good insurance, so all my damages were taken care of, and most importantly my tenants are fine and no animals were harmed in the little blaze. I am sure that relieves your conscience, such as it is.
Quite sorry I missed your 17 calls asking for bail. Must have lost connectivity whilst in the French countryside. It’s so lovely here. I shall send you a postcard once you have a more erm permanent address.
How goes it, my dude? I’m cool. Kind of a star here really. No one messes with me since I’ve been working out like a maniac. I really appreciate the postcards! Everyone loves looking at the lions and birdies and waterfalls and stuff. That one of the little French cafe was awesome too. My bunkie used to be a baker before they framed him for killing his wife. You wouldn’t believe how many innocent guys are in this place! Speaking of wives, I don’t understand what happened to Zelda. Not one phone call or visit. It’s so strange… she went off to visit her sister and then POOF!
Eh whatever. I guess it’ll just remain a mystery.
Thanks for staying in touch.
I’m with Lawrence now.
Here are the divorce papers.