Carrot Cake Rant

I wasn’t looking for anything extraordinary, just a carrot cake recipe made with almond flour. Google, google, google. No! I do not want paleo recipes made without sugar (yucky) or vegan recipes made without eggs (ick). I cleverly redid my search with minus signs in front of those words.

Why are all the recipes for two-layer cakes? My annoyance is burgeoning. I minus the word layers and put in the word sheetcake. OH PARDON ME IT’S TWO WORDS. (I left the one word here to be funny. I am funny! People have said. Many people.) A million recipes appear and each one has a list of one million ingredients each. Why do I need half a thimble of magic glitter from a hummingbird’s wing to make a FUCKING CARROT CAKE? I want to take a blunt instrument and smash my computer to bits, but I can’t because my daughters gifted it to me after I destroyed my last one.

Also, why do recipe bloggers jabber on in enormous essays before the text of their recipes? NO ONE CARES about your vacation in Chattanooga or wherever the fuck to visit Aunt Mildred. Just put that on another page along with stories about your dog and your gallbladder operation. We are only here for the recipe! That’s what we googled! And no one needs to see a macro close up photo of your pan. We all know what a pan looks like. And a spatula stuck in batter. JESUS F. CHRIST.

Okay, so maybe I need a mentor to show me how to internet. Idk. Why is it so hard to find things anymore? I can’t find good vids on YouTube these days. Recipes are a pain in the ass. The only thing that still works great ~ actually better than ever ~ are maps. Google maps. I use them constantly. Not to get anywhere, silly. Why would I want to leave my apartment? (There are people out there, gahhh!) But to have the characters in my stories go places and do things.

My NaNo protagonist has to go up to Fresno for a funeral. Then she’ll be off to Aruba and it has to sound legit. I can’t go to Aruba myself to research there personally, though if anyone has been to Aruba feel free to leave me some cool deets. No deets necessary on Fresno. I’m doing great, btw… almost 6K words, hopefully 7K by the end of the day!

I did find the almond flour sheet cake carrot cake with a normal number of ingredients, if anyone cares. I will make it soon.

23 responses to “Carrot Cake Rant

  1. I hate those essays before recipes too! I hate scrolling forever to get the recipe. I also hate the no recipe recipes. I am not an idiot, I can figure out how to substitute things if I want. Just give me a recipe with a set of ingredients and flavors that go together and leave the loosey goosey, maybe this, maybe that to me!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Try this one the only thing may be the agave rathrr than sugar. You could just use sugar.❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Did you mean “sheet cake?” Results are for “sheet cake.” Search instead for “sheetcake.” (Just in case, I guess, you INSIST on being wrong.)
    SO . . . you may or may not go to photography forums, where, in some at least, it is considered de rigueur to painstakingly describe the circumstances surrounding the taking of a particular picture. I always thought, if the picture is good, it’s good, regardless of how the sun may or may not have come out from behind a cloud at just the precise moment an eagle swooped down and dropped a dead rat on the ground in front of you or whatever.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. This piece was fricken’ *hilarious* — a Paula wit hall of fame nomination is definitely in order.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh, yes, this this this! Spot on and well written and hilarious! Now, may I ask what the recipe is? A paleo carrot cake with eggs would be what I’d be looking for too. (My google-fu is strong, but even I can’t avoid the Story of the Backstory for the Recipe.)

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Heh. I have cookbooks. My kids … ok, adults, since the youngest is 21, make fun of me. But….how much time do they spend scrolling around looking for a recipe? I wanted a recipe for red beets with mint that I remembered and chose the correct cookbook first try. So there, modern humans.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I laughed so hard reading this post! Having googled a recipe tonight for one I misplaced, I needed a rant like this. Thanks for following Carrot Ranch and all the best with NaNoWriMo!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I love your awesome Erma Bombeck attitude!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I HATE the recipe jabber. It’s especially long when using foraged ingredients, because everyone has to act as if they’re the first ones in history to pick mulberries or ramps.

    Liked by 1 person

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