Communication Breakdown [rantish]

[Continuing my Led Zeppelin theme in honor of my friend Joe the Troll, who is the only one who notices these things.]

Today’s prompt contact took me back to my dating site days aka the Valium years. It was always tricky to decide about first contact. Some men like it when a woman approaches them (just like in “real life,” for those who pretend the internet isn’t real). These men say it takes the guesswork out of deciding who to approach and how, along with eliminating the fear of rejection. I was rejected many times, but I didn’t care.

This is something I fail to understand about men (along with every otter thing). Why is it bad to be rejected upfront? Then you can easily move on without having invested anything but a few seconds. Sure, being rejected later hurts, but that’s not what I’m talking about now. I’m talking about the constant complaining about getting told no (or silence) after one hello.

Okay. After making initial contact and establishing some minimal threshold of mutual interest, most reasonable people would chitchat a bit in the site’s message program. But here’s the tricky part: “a bit” can mean different things. Some men think 30 seconds is enough chatting; if you don’t cough up your phone number after that they accuse you of being a phony. Other men will chat a line or two for days or weeks and never want to move to the phone. I have a term for them: “married.”

Alrighty. Say two people have successfully navigated first contact, initial chats, the phone convo, and even a first meet (gawd forbid we call that coffee thingie a “date” because this is utterly terrifying to some dudes)… now what? Well, I’ll tell you! It gets even trickier.

You have to decide how often to contact your person and how to respond to any contact from them. Say they text you one afternoon a few days after Coffee Thingie: “Hey, how’s it going?” What should you do now? So many options!

1. You don’t like them and never want to see them again, so you:

a. ignore them totally (ghost).
b. say “hey” like 3 days later hoping they’ll get the hint.
c. explain in methodical detail how much they suck, attaching a spreadsheet.
d. say “hi, nice to have met you, but we’re not a match… have a great life, bye!”

2. You really like them and want to have their baby, so you:

a. immediately reply with a long gushing text about how that was the best coffee you ever had and put lots of emojis; then before they reply again send 17 more texts about various things including photos of your pets and grandparents.
b. say “hey” like 3 days later with a smiley.
c. say “hey” immediately without a smiley.
d. wait a couple hours and suggest a plan to get together again.

What if you’re unsure? Like maybe Coffee Thingie wasn’t enough time to determine whether you really liked the dude or not? Back in the Dayz of Olde, this would have been fine because dating was all about getting together repeatedly to determine compatibility. But that’s not what people expect now. When a woman tells a man that she wants to see him again after Coffee Thingie, most men from dating sites take this as a de facto admission that she’s wildly attracted to him and proceed accordingly.

This is a major reason why I am done with dating sites. Besides having to filter out all the liars and idiots and Nazis, etc. Some circles overlap obviously.

18 responses to “Communication Breakdown [rantish]

  1. Haha . Methodical statement in excel… My head is spinning, paula. That was brilliant and interesting read

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I find it hard to believe that anyone would have ever rejected you, but if you were doing a lot of Valium, maybe you just misread them.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so great. I laughed out loud at the spreadsheet ref, and especially at all the texts and emoticons if you want to have his baby. ๐Ÿ˜‚

    As was reading I thought, โ€œUV? UV, is that you, darling??โ€

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Gosh. Makes you long for the days when drunk men would single you out at the bar so they could lean on you while they order another for the woman trying to kill you with her glare from 3 tables back. ๐Ÿ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  5. My daughter’s first “date” with someone she had been through the prelims with online went like this: she called to cancel after a bad day at work and unable to get her infant son to settle to sleep she as at the end of her rope. He offered to come over with something for her to eat. When he arrived he said he had experience with 2 year olds and would settle the little fellow to bed. He did and then they ate the dinner he had brought with him. She knew he had two daughters so she trusted him with her 2 year old. It was a match made in heaven and they are getting married next weekend after two years of living together with their blended family. Not what I usually think of how online dating first dates go but this one was a success for these two people.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. The dating scene can be a real heartbreaker, especially when these people leave you feeling trampled underfoot. But hey, what can you do? There’s bound to be good times and bad times.

    Love your ranting. Ramble on!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. I never know how to reply to the dating posts, since it’s been sooooo damn long. But they are ALWAYS entertaining!

    Liked by 1 person

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