Fuzzy Atheism


Ten years ago today I wrote a woo poast in my secret blog, the one I was keeping while my mom died of cancer. I’ve never been a super duper militant atheist like some, maybe because I wasn’t rebelling against anything at home. I simply didn’t  believe, that’s all. My nonbelief was never a huge deal to me, or to my parents, though I realized early on it was shocking to others, especially when we moved to the midwest in the 1970s. So, I mostly kept quiet about it. Back then, you didn’t blast your personal beliefs all over town as you do now. No Facebook, blogs, instagram, Twitter, etc.

There have been many times my lack of belief gets fuzzy. I want to believe, like other people do. It seems to be so comforting. Why shouldn’t there be more? A greater thing, a purpose. Why do connections have to end with death? Why can’t we be with our loved ones again in some way? That all sounds good. Sometimes it sounds too good, especially when I’m sad, and I start to imagine it could possibly, maybe, be true, somehow. Well, why not?

Ten years ago today I wrote that my ex-husband and I had worked everything out and were getting along better than ever. I called him my “soul mate” in that blog poast. But we split up about a year and a half later. I also wrote about the hallucination I had of an angel when I was sick with a very high fever in 1996. And finally I wrote of an earlier time when I was depressed and asked for a sign that things would improve, closed my eyes, and opened them to see rainbows in the room. They were prisms from the sunlight hitting my glass animals at certain angles.

Maybe I was trying to cobble together bits of evidence for some sort of belief-cake, idk. I’d have to read more entries ~ and it’s possible I dropped the topic altogether. I’m not re-reading every entry of the death diary now, not that there are so many. I may at some point, or not; they aren’t going anywhere. I’m busy lately with various projects and have finally stopped forcing myself to do things in my free time that make me unhappy. Happiness is a choice, as “they” always tell us.

I do enjoy keeping up this blog, though lately rather sporadically. Thank you for reading!


8 responses to “Fuzzy Atheism

  1. 💗💗💗

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Seems like I’ve spent my whole life wondering about that and trying to figure it out. I think now that it doesn’t matter. I sometimes want angels to exist, though. Then there is that possibility that what’s really going on would be totally incomprehensible to us. Sure seems to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have faith in the truth.

    It transcends all disappointments.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. When I first admitted my atheism to my family, I was rather laid back about it, but the religious zealots of the world keep stepping up their game and I feel like I should join the ranks of the militant atheists. But that would be work I’m not willing to do at this point in life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Right on. Fuzziness works well with my laziness. 🙂


    • I understand why some atheists feel compelled to “fight back,” because enough religious folk seem to want to assimilate the rest of us sinners. It’s a power thing, and of course that always results in a conflict. Otherwise, though, I think if one is an atheist, then they are kind of out of the game, and should just go on about their business sans divine intervention.
      It’s kind of funny that by resisting in the way that they do, atheists are slowly becoming Atheists. Crazy humans…

      Liked by 1 person

      • So much conflict. One of my goals (I hate to use the word “resolution”) for next year is to spend less time on the outrage du jour and more time on things that bring me joy: poetry, fiction, movies, crafts. That means getting away from the endless FB and news junkie consumption. Some people don’t even know there’s a whole WORLD of beauty and cuteness on twitter that has nothing to do with politics whatsoever!


  5. Love it! Atheism is mean freedom. Freedom from having to follow the the forced ignorance, bigotry, cruelty, and hatred of religious zealots.


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