Countdown of a Sort

Cupcake

Today is 10 years exactly since my mother told us of her pancreatic cancer diagnosis. Shortly thereafter I began the private blog, where some of you listened while I poured out my feelings. Thank you for that once again. It was a little over four months between her diagnosis and her death, less than “average,” so every day between now and April 13, 2018 will be a 10th anniversary of a day of mourning.

In my other blog I see I was angry that day, angry that she tried to be cheerful on the phone when she said she was coming over to talk to us. I knew then. Because if her scan had been fine, she would have said so on the phone. I like remembering this ~ it makes her come alive in my mind. Moms are so annoying! I want to remember her exactly how she was, not in some false idealized way.

Sometimes I feel very insubstantial lately and I have to relocate the essence of myself from wherever I’ve drifted apart and off to while I forgot to pay attention. Part of that process is remembering Mom.

~*~

The Daily Prompt: Relocate

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5 responses to “Countdown of a Sort

  1. I feel you. I feel this. I know. {{{ Paula }}} My reasons are different than yours of course, but oh I do know.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have no words of wisdom. Since my wife died, it all just happened, just kind of washed over me, and I never figured out the process. But I almost never think about her death anymore. But I get what you’re saying. It’s not just the anniversary, but the entire season, all the “lasts.” That really sucks, and I hope it wears off. For you, too.
    Usually it’s more like some cool thing about her–the things that I really miss. I hate it when I think of something really funny but then realize that she would probably be the only one who “gets it” and I decide not to say it out loud. She was really fun to be with. She is like a secret that I want to tell.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Love to you, dear friend. My shoulders aren’t that big, but they’re strong, and you can feel free to cry on them during these sad days. Or anytime, for that matter. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Authenticity is important, for so many reasons. Hat tip to you for honoring it.

    Liked by 1 person

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