Imaginary Lovers

I noticed that I received some hits yesterday on an old poast about romance and porn. They seem to have come from a site I linked, or a link from that site. Highly technical stuff, peeps. Whatever. The important thing is to (1) try to generate a big pile of comments from you normal I mean regular readers to make it look like we got it goin’ on here; and (2) see the first thing.

All right. First we have this article discussing how romance novels can help you in your real sex life (assuming you have one). See, some people have said that RNs are bad (not talking about nurses, though they can be naughty, but Romance Novels ~ please focus on the topic at hand) because they set you up with a false ideal yada yada, but sexologist Megan Stubbs says, no, cuz any tool (she says tool) that helps you communicate with your partner can be valuable. Even if said tool arises from reading about a pirate and a princess.

Don Pearson, pastor dude, somewhat disagrees. He’s good with a whole bunch of communication between a husband and wife (who are married to each other, I presume), but he believes that women who are addicted to RNs can hurt their marriages by expecting their hubbies to act like dukes. Not every guy can have a castle, k?

Honestly, I’m not sure how a romance novel would help you communicate with your partner, sexually or otherwise. I mean, COME ON. Y’all know I love RNs, have read a zillion of ’em and written a few, but they’re pure escapism. This is like saying Star Trek can help you communicate. “Honey, I’ve been thinking about a threesome. And ideally someone with a tail.”

There’s nothing about a romance novel hero that corresponds to a real-life man, same as normal guys aren’t James Bond or Captain Kirk. And no sane woman expects that. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun reading the books. Anyway all these articles focus relentlessly on female fantasies; it’s been a while since we yelled at men for looking at porn. I guess that’s just been beaten to death, right?

Kidding obvs. Without porn and cats, how would we haz an internet?

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13 responses to “Imaginary Lovers

  1. AD - Thinking of Cats and High Speed Rollercoasters

    Hey, if her getting all misty and distant for a few minutes while she’s on a pirate ship with Fabio is the price of admission to strap into one of the edge-of-your-seat Big Kids’ rides, I’m all in. Proceed forthwith.

    “…Without porn and cats, how would we haz an internet?…”

    And yet every single attempt to combine the two has been unmitigated disaster. Well, ALMOST every single one. Yeah, every single one. Hmmm. OK, nevermind. OK, I just freaked MYSELF right the f*** out. I’ll need a moment.

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  2. I am not normal, but I am regular. Reader. I don’t’ know anything about any of this, except that I continue to be amazed that as a pastime, and sometimes a full-time career, people can take what humans always did, currently do, and always will do, and say it’s wrong and wonder how to stop it. If DOGS had the Internet, first, there would be no cats on it, or if there were, their role would be quite different, and second, there wouldn’t be articles about how it’s wrong to smell other dogs’ rears or to have sex in school yards during recess, etc. They would have pictures (on the dog Internet) of chewed up couch cushions, because we make them feel so guilty about it and they don’t actually chew up as many cushions as they would like.

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  3. I started typing a response but found out once my fingers started going I had a lot to say so I’ll have to wait until tonight when I have more time.

    COMMENT!

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  4. Srsly, if dogs ruled the Internets there would indeed be cat videos. They’d be videos of cats doing really stupid, funny things. They’d be, like, dog porn, because the dogs who would watch the cat vids would be all “slobberslobberslobber pant pantpant kitty want kitty, oh want kitty, lookit lookit stupid kitty, slobber slobber slobber.”

    But not romance. They wouldn’t be dog romance videos. Just porn.

    So RN and real sex lives — yeah maybe, I suppose. Not because we’d expect men to be Fabio in RL. But it’s okay for us to daintily whack off imagining big strong barechested men saving us from whatever disaster and then being all manly and commanding and lovingly yet rapaciously having their ways with us, while we’re helpless in their strong manly arms. If that gets us hot, it gets us hot. And then, maybe instead of playing with this: http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41cFzPVEMkL._SX450_.jpg … we’d play with our real men. Although real men just can’t do what that can do. Which kind of means a woman needs to be a little bit poly after all.

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  5. Star Trek helps me communicate every day….ONE TO BEAM Up, PLEASE.

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  6. I’m pretty sure I’ve never read a romance novel, but, assuming it’s… a book… then it seems like they could help or not just like any TOOL, like the sexologist said. If someone needs an excuse to bring up some topic, they can put some of the responsibility off on the book itself. “Hey, hunny, want to hear something nutty? This character just _____. At first I thought it was way out there, but now I’m wondering if it might be fun. What do you think?”

    Also, if RNs (the books) get someone’s sex drive revving, it’s surely going to help keep a sex life active if there’s a sex life there in the first place.

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  7. Well my sex life is pretty much non-existent and my wife doesn’t read romance novels, but if she did, she’d prolly just be a huge pain in my ass about it.

    I think there’s a need for non-romance novels for those of us on the cusp of having it all fall apart and turn to shit just like everything else in this world.

    How about it, ladies? A novel of your strong, chiseled Fabio slowing drinking himself to death under the weight of your relentless expectations and baffling inability to get anything right?

    Sorry all, I’m in a bit of a mood tonight.

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  8. I think the best tool for boosting romantic feelings would be if you combined the romance novel and Star Trek with, like, cleaning out the garage.

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  9. Oh, Throckey. Are we really so terrible? Or is the voice speaking those expectations and failures a voice in Fabio’s head?

    I am finding that cancer treatment pretty much puts libido on hold. Which is too bad because soon I’ll have a completely hairless pudenda for the first time since I was, I dunno: nine? Ten? And I should really be able to take advantage of that, now that no one is into “natural” anymore.

    Actually I’m sort of glad I don’t have a partner so I don’t have to worry about tools to make me horny and desirable as well as desirous, because really, not in the MOOD to have to be anything.

    Though I bet there’s a niche there, cancer romance, so that women can divert themselves imagining Fabio has a thing about bald and scarred women. I’d leave the nurses out of it, though.

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  10. Dammit Christ.tine. Now I’m thinking of bald lady snapper and getting aroused. And then you mention nurses which made me think of enemas, which made me think of sex with an assload of enema, and how hard it would be to hold that in. And then I wondered if that would be erotic. And then I wondered if I should really be sharing these thoughts here, but I figure you all know me as someone who considered ALL possibilities…

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  11. Bald pudendae and helpmates in nursing outfits, OH YES.

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  12. But leave the enemas out of it. With fiends like that, who needs you know the rest.

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