The Tsunami

I’ve been stressed lately. Things pile up; you know how it is. There are good things too, but even so. I don’t do well with any stress. I like none, zero, nada. Stress makes me worry about more stress. It’s a spiral, a rabbit hole I dive down quickly. And I eat the cake.

I had the tsunami dream a few nights ago for the first time in years. It shocked me. I had assumed all the water/drowning dreams were gone forever. I was high up in an office building, with some other women (I don’t remember if I knew them), and my cat. I saw out the window that the water got sucked out of a pool first, which was different from past tsunami dreams, and of course silly. I was very worried about the kitty. We were right near the ocean, like always.

Asbestos Dust said once that dreams don’t mean anything, and I think that’s right. I don’t think anything really means anything, not even thoughts. We were talking about that the other night at writing group, how thoughts are just the output of a bodily organ and you would do well not to feel too tied to them. Detach and you’ll feel better. You don’t feel tied in the same sense to the output of your liver or kidneys, right? You are not your thoughts. If someone  insults your beliefs then, they aren’t really insulting you. Maybe this is what makes us (retired) flame warriors a little different from the norm. We just don’t really care, right? I don’t anyway. It also helps with writing.

As soon as I write something, I almost don’t care about it anymore. I can take any criticism. It’s nice to hear positive remarks; and of course it’s great to sell something. But negative feedback doesn’t bother me. I think this is why I had fun as a Usenet flamer too (except for the colossal waste of time, which I admit now became a significant issue) ~ while I posted I was in character, and when something was “out there” it was part of a story, more or less, and separate from me (whatever that is). So no insults touched me. The other veterans were relatively the same, I think. New peeps were horrified by this, natch. And you couldn’t explain it to them.

Anyway. Yesterday would have been my father’s 83rd birthday. Today’s the 5th anniversary of my mother’s death. At the end of the month I’ll be 52. That seems so old. My daughters are both in their 20s now.

I’m still trying to write a bunch and do all the things I want to do. But I’m tired.

Advertisements

8 responses to “The Tsunami

  1. I think dreams can mean something–when they are not just so obviously the product of mental housekeeping, which is sort of like, pick something up, look at it, turn it over, figure out what it is, then toss it in the trash. But, since some dreams are surely stories that your own mind makes up, wouldn’t they have at least as much meaning as, say, something you blurted out to someone, or some plot twist you thought of? Not that it’s super important and you must write dream journals and all that crap, but sometimes I remember a dream and go, huh, I wonder what that was about. I think it’s just all part of living some kind of observed life. Plus, I am, rightly or wrongly, a firm believer that our conscious mind is indeed analogous to a small wood chip floating on top of a bowl of water, and the subconscious is the water–we cannot hope to be conscious of everything we hold in our heads, all the time–so we have some sort of mechanism that brings thoughts to the surface, and just when they seem to be the most helpful. I always thought dreams could be like that–but, just not all the time.
    My point was, if you have the same dream over and over, doesn’t that seem like it’s trying to tell you something?
    That’ll be 5¢

    Like

    • Maybe. I used to think the tsunami dreams were symbolizing my mother smothering me. Then I thought they meant my marriage was about to obliterate me. Note that I’m never actually in the water ~ though once the girls and I were in a car that was in a flood and a couple times I’ve been trapped on a roof with water all around. The dream is the fear that the water is coming and I will eventually drown. This dream was a bit unique in that the other office workers all saw the danger too; in the past no one else did or listened to me say hey we need to get out now.

      But what would the general theme be ~ stress of any type makes me feel overwhelmed and I reinterpret that as a looming wall of water? That’s so dull and … one size fits all-ish.

      Like

  2. The water thing is weird, because apparently it is universal. I used to have tsunami dreams, and I never wound up in the water either. Once I got as far as sitting in a red rowboat in the middle of the dry street, waiting. I always woke up, though, before anything catastrophic happened, like I do when I am in (invariably) a convertible that is sailing off a cliff. Who knows?

    Like

  3. Meant to say last week Teacake made a cameo appearance in one of my dreams, looking like Morticia Addams. That was kind of weird. Usually blogging has zero influence on my dreams. Perhaps because it is, fundamentally, kind of a dream already.

    Not sure what I meant by that.

    Like

  4. I have road dreams where the road becomes a bridge, which turns into a roller coaster. I don’t like those dreams. Or I’ll be in a building with a picture window and there’s a tornado coming right for it. The dreams I like are where I’m in a house or building with lots of rooms leading out from each other, kind of like a maze, but I enjoy finding each room and what’s in it. Or it’s a house of my own, and each room has a different character to it, or special nooks and crannies. Sometimes I find myself in the same house or building in another dream.

    Like

  5. Ouch. I would not like to think that nothing means anything and everything is just physical function. But I know that goes to places where some of your readers will call me bad words, and this is not about me, which is weird, because things usually are. I wonder whether that feeling of detachment is good for you right now. You’ve just experienced a very difficult loss. Again. Sometimes numb is the way to go until you don’t need numb anymore. Personally, I’d choose to do it with bourbon and pie, but whatever works.

    Also I have drowning dreams all the time. All they mean is that I’m anxious as shit, which I hardly needed a dream to tell me.

    Like

  6. nothing means anything”

    I love that.

    Like

Dazzle me!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s