Hearting the Google

How did people write without Google? I vaguely remember trips to the library to research things, so tedious. Oh! Triple A! The maps, my gawd. I’d go over there and request maps so I wouldn’t screw up distances and towns and stuff. Can you imagine? I had piles of papers I glanced through once, or ended up not needing at all. Gah.

Anyway, last night I wanted to have my characters go on a Christmas cruise. I’ve never been on a cruise, so I was all ack what to do? But no prob, because I go to the Goog, type in Christmas cruise and get times, dates, prices, the whole deal. And I even learned it costs too much to text/call from a ship, so no one is gonna be doing that.

In a serendipitous twist of fate, ABC News has a timely article up saying that the average person gains 13 pounds on a two-week cruise. First, who the hell takes a two-week cruise? As I noted above, I just checked the prices on cruises. These things are expensive, even if you stay in a crappy room, porthole, or whatever it’s called. (I am not hep to boat lingo. Will improve when writing cruise scenes.) If you’re wealthy enough to do that, you can bring a bag of cocaine with you to muzzle your appetite. Second, I’d be afraid to eat much anyway. Don’t people end up with some icky intestinal virus half the time? Third, aren’t you supposed to lie around the deck in your swimsuit, changing into a different one three times per day? Who would pig out before putting on a swimsuit or god forbid while wearing one? Maybe that’s just me and my ’70s mentality. Well whatever,   according to the article writer, a cruise is just one giant feast all day long, day after day. And your mission, should you accept it (for thousands of dollars that YOU PAY), is to avoid eating said feast. K. Sounds like a deal!

I’m at 43.5K for those keeping NaNo score (I think there’s one of you) and hope to be finished early next week.

Enjoy your weekend!

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10 responses to “Hearting the Google

  1. Been on two. Lost weight cause I didn’t exercise. Got tired of so-so food. The American proletariat eats way too fucking much.

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  2. I suspect since the average age of a cruise passenger is about 102, they’re not too worried about how they look in their swimmies. The food is out there, it’s free and you’ve already paid for it, so eat up. Besides, there’s SFA to do otherwise, and the end is racing toward you. Here’s what happened on one cruise when the kitchen staff brought out the eclairs on the port side while the door on the starboard side was jammed: http://img.ezinemark.com/imagemanager2/files/30004252/2012/01/2012-01-17-11-01-33-4-costa-concordia-cruise-ship-passengers-said-that-t.jpeg

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  3. Yes, to all of what you said, Paula. Actual cruises are filled with the uber wealthy who do indeed bring along bags of cocaine and lay about in fabulous swimwear that they Barbie™. Except for the men. They stuff their faces with the tons of food, then waddle out to the deck to ogle the thin women. Or their wives, who simply stuff their faces with the tons of food, but sit at the casinos and bars resenting their fat but wealthy husbands.

    Come to think of it, the skinny swimsuit Barbies™ are probably hired by the cruise lines.

    Actually, I lost five pounds during the second of two cruises, which was maybe 7 years ago. I didn’t eat much, and tended to while away my time just walking, walking, walking around the ship when we were under way.

    First cruise was a honeymoon one and I was 23 years old and had a much higher metabolism than I do now, of course. Dunno what I weighed before or after.

    I don’t much care for cruises. The ports of call are canned sight-seeing trips, the shipboard life is duller than dull, and the people even more dull.

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  4. I would never go on a cruise. So afraid I’d get seasick (I am the Queen of Motion Sickness Land) after paying all that money. Plus it would suck if you were trapped on the boat with a bunch of assholes. Fantasy Island > Loveboat.

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  5. Well, I’m not uber-wealthy and honestly didn’t notice any such folk on the cruise I took to Alaska (paid for by my mom with part of her inheritance from Grandma). Cruises are expensive; the trips ashore even more so, so it’s about saving up or being rich. As for the food, it wasn’t all that accessible, meaning, the restaurants weren’t open 24/7, anyway. Ate normally. Also didn’t encounter any assholes, bad food or bad service. Some things glitched, but hey, when 2000+ people all want to do the same thing at the same, whadya expect? I actually want to try this again, but perhaps on a smaller boat (i.e. < 1000+ trying to do the same things.)

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  6. PS: Alaska may have something to do with it. Not the sort of thing the tanned-and-leisurely take an interest in. No lounging poolside when it’s raining and you’d rather spot whales. 🙂

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  7. To me, the interesting question is WHY do your characters want to take a Christmas cruise? Are they unimaginative? Trying to get away from home port? Figuring they are going to spend all their time between the sheets, with short interludes of extravagant refueling, anyway so why not? Or just rich assholes? (We have to use “asshole” in everything we write today, I have just decreed, because that’s the kind of asshole I am. . .)

    But perhaps you have a twist on the why. . .

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    • Thank you for asking! OK, this is a romance/erotica (I’m not sure where to draw the line anymore) novel. The story heats up really fast, as it has to, but I need the protags to take a break from each other. So I decided that it makes sense, given the heroine’s personality, for her to have previously bought tix for herself and her mom to go on a cruise for a week. This gives the story the needed break for the two main chars to think about each other and for them each to be tempted by someone else.

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  8. Google is our friend! Or Bing, or something. So, are you seeing cruise ads on your FB now? I was looking at cookies and cakes to send, and now that’s all over my FB home page. Fuckers.

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  9. I went on a cruise as a xmas gift. It was exactly as you describe, a marathon of self-indulgence. A floating vomitorium. Our waiter told us the service staff was made up of people from the third world, like himself, people who’d signed on with high hopes of a better life but worked like slaves for sub-standard wages and were only permitted to eat the guest’s leftovers. He asked us, practically begged us, to order everything on the menu, all the entrees, all the desserts…everything…so that the kitchen crew would have something to eat that night. The ship smelled like it was full of shit because it was and had bad plumbing. To top it off, AA the cruise ships, with all their chandeliers, gift shops and night clubs, all dump their sewage and rot at sea and are serious polluters of our already endangered oceans.

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